My Story

Hello everyone. I had a miscarriage that began on Aug. 19th. I was ten weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was not planned but none the less my boyfriend and I were ecstatic. We rearranged everything we were going to be doing for the next year (a lot of travel) to provide the most supportive environment for our new baby. The first ultrasound went good. I went on a ladies vacation with my family where I told everyone. They laughed and cried, gave hugs and congratulations. When I got back, my doctors were worried. There was no heartbeat. I didn't want to believe them. I told them I must have conceived later than they thought. I had lost a lot of people in the past two years and I was so excited to bring new life into the world and into my family. I thought the universe would never put me through losing a child after losing so many other people. So I waited another two weeks and went back for another ultrasound. That morning I started bleeding. This is was it. I was not going to be a mother anymore. I decided to pass it naturally. I needed to know for myself that was what was happening. The first two days I was an emotional disaster but the physical pain had yet to begin. The third day I went through the worst physical pain of my life. Had to go to an after hours emergency doctor visit. The woman in the office was awful. very curt and cold. She did an exam, fished around in me like I was a toolbox. When she put the speculum in she left the room for about three min. because she forgot something. She finished the exam, told me to get up and put my clothes on and walked out of the room. At this point I was bleeding VERY heavily. Blood was literally all over the floor, she didn't give me anything to clean myself off with. I was sobbing, it was really awful. I found the bathroom and cleaned myself up. After that the next two weeks I spent at my parents house wrapped in a comforter, crying, not being able to sleep but not really being awake. I was taking vicoden and drinking wine. It was a bad place. My boyfriend was working all the time to avoid his emotions. After a while I got myself together but I was having a problem getting people to understand the amount of grief I was experiencing. The people who understood the most were my mother and her friends. After talking to them I learned that m/c's are fairly common and that I wasn't alone. There support is what got me through. I have come a very long ways in the past two months. My boyfriend and I broke up, he wasn't there for me like he should have been. Its been a long trek but I wouldn't trade in my experience for anything. I know myself better than I ever have and I found strengths I didn't know were there.

My Mission - this is where I need your help

I am looking for visual artists, poets, writers or anyone who would like to share their experience of having a miscarriage to put into a book. I want people to share their stories in a meaningful way that will give strength to those who are going through this difficult time.

The book right now is unfolding as a "healing workbook." I was trying to think what I would have wanted when I went through my miscarriage. I would like to have known that I was not alone, that it is fairly common and know that other women felt just as bad as I did but got through and discovered strengths they never knew they had.

It is going to be a mix of stories, artwork and poetry. After each persons story, I will give guiding questions, areas to write and reflect and daily exercises that might help them get through difficult times. I really want the book to be a reflection of their own experience with support from other women. Something they can look back on someday and see their journey and be proud of how far they came. I want the book to be as beautiful as the experience itself. I know when I had my miscarriage, I felt empty, what was I supposed to take away. I feel like having something physical to hold onto would mean a lot. There is going to be a space in the back to put memoirs from the pregnancy such as cards, items one might have picked up for the baby (for ex. I bought a baby bracelet) baby shower invitations and so on. When you lose someone, generally you have a funeral, sometimes you see their body, and you have physical things to hold onto from their life. With a miscarriage, it is different; you feel the loss but have nothing to show for it essentially. This book will help change that; it is a way to wrap up the experience and give women something to hold onto while at the same time enabling them to move on.

What I need is for women to tell their story. Tell what helped them. Share different techniques, prayers, movements, meditations, affirmations and so on that other women might find useful. Tell how their miscarriage unfolded, how they felt, explain their emotions and most importantly how they got through it and what they learned about themselves and others. I want the book to have a very positive focus. I would love to get your story and others story. I also need artwork that more or less relates to the topic. Hope this helped explain what I am trying to do. If you could forward this to women who might want to contribute that would be great.
Thanks, Jessie
jcary007@gmail.com