I knew I was pregnant before the test showed positive. My love and I both travel for work and it is a life that doesnt work with children. It was a unplanned pregnancy but our baby was wanted and loved from the first moment we found out it existed. I have always felt like I was supposed to be a mommy and have always mothered everyone around me. A month before I found out I was pregnant I was told again that I might not be able to carry a child because of my heart condition and after battling witht he decision I choose to get a cardiac cath to find out for sure before the time came when we would try to have children. Then the test showed positive, not even a week after it was confirmed by a doctor I started bleeding and the nightmare began. We were not prepared for the pregnancy but we soooooo wanted our baby and had begun planning our lives as parents and I want that life! WE have decided to wait until we are married to try again and I know we will have more chances but I want me baby back. I can't stop crying and I feel like I should be better by now but I can hardly face anything. my boyfriend and our mothers talked me into leaving the house and going with my love to his parents at the cape for a long weekend. Even when I was having "fun" it all felt fake, like I am in a fog wathcing it happen. Now I am back home and we were lucky enough that he was working were I live the last few weeks and he was so great and encouraged me even on the little things like getting out of bed. We would set little tasks for me to so each day to get me out of bed and it helped,but now he had to leave this morning and I am scared. I do not know when he will be able to come back and unless I return to work it will be at least a few weeks before we can see each other. I can not talk myself out of bed let alone back to work. I work with people all day encouraging them to take action and educating them on thier rights and I can not imagine going into their stores and workplaces encouraging them when I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I am sorry for rambling but this is the first time I have been able to write anything about it and it is pouring. Basically, I am lost, I can't find a counsler to see me I feel like I should be better and back to work by now but I just can't stop crying or thinking about it. If anyone made it through this rambling and has been in the same place please please tell me it gets better give me some suggestions on how to get out of bed and back to life. Lost and searching
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