Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

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Keeping it to yourself

deleted_user
deleted_user
The first time we got pregnant, my husband and I told a few people that we were expecting. I told my parents and my three best girl friends. David told his parents, sister and two of his friends. We told them all that it was early and asked them not to tell anyone else. Of course, not one of them kept it to themselves.
I think the best one was my dad telling my sister's boyfriend, who decided to announce it to my sister, my cousin and my cousin's husband. I'm sure the news only spread from there.
Then we find out that we were going to lose the baby, so we had to call out family and friends that we told and give them the heartbreaking news.
That's why we didn't tell anyone this time. I told one friend this time.
So now, we are going through this and trying to stay strong for each other. Only now I feel totally isolated. I can't even call my mom and cry one her shoulder she doesn't even know we were pregnant.
I can't decide which is worse telling people you're pregnant only to lose the baby, or to keep it to yourself and feel isolated.
Has anyone else gone through this?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Congratulations! I am not going through this, but hopefully one day soon I will be pregnant again and will be. I know I don't want to tell people again, but my hubby wants to tell people right away. I can only imagine what you are going through. If you need to cry and don't feel up to telling your mom--you can cry to us in the meantime!
Zayannee
Zayannee
This is so hard to deal with. I dont know about you but im a talker. i talk about everything and Im an open book. When I get pregnant I am so hopeful and excited I just have to tell someone. I have been preggo 3 times with 3 miscarriages .

Now that my whole family including my husbands family know that I have had these I feel like they feel bad for me all t he time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is so funny that I found this post this morning. A close friend an I were talking about it last night. It seems like a huge part of me would just sit at home and not breath at all until about 20 weeks(I was 15 weeks). The other part of me thinks about all of the support from friends and family. I suppose it would be best to tell a few really close friends and family members so that you have a support group.
I honestly think that its best that way, the big thing is that everyone including yourself should remember that pregnancy can be fragile! Maybe we aren't supposed to tell everyone until 12 weeks so that we don't get wrapped up in things and swept away with the excitment until 12 weeks!

I wish I knew what was right. All I know is that while it was heart breaking to have to tell everyone they were all amazing and supportive. While it hurt that everyone knew, it would have hurt even more to never be able to talk about it, or the never be able to celebrate my angel.

I Don't Know. . .
deleted_user
deleted_user
When I found out I was pregnant I told my whole family and they were so happy for us, then I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and had to break everyone's hearts and tell them I lost the baby. It was devastating. It has only been a week since my D&C. If I get pregnant again, we have decided not to tell everyone like we did the last time because I don't want to have to go through this again.
ktharp423
ktharp423
If I were you I'd tell mom so that you could cry on her shoulder. When I had a miscarriage I shared it with a friend after the fact. I didn't want to share for the same reason, and sure enough quite a few people knew b/c of my husband. After the loss I needed to share with someone, so that worked for me.

I'm so sorry for your losses.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think this is totally up to the individual, but hopefully my advice helps you. My opinion is that you should tell only those people you would want to be there for you if in fact something did happen. I told my family and close friends at week 7 and ended up miscarrying at week 8. To say the least, I'm glad I had told people as the last week has been so difficult on me (just miscarried last wednesday) and I'm so thankful to have the support of my friends and family right now. I never think it's good to isolate yourself. Though as another person said, you have all of us here if you need to talk.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think Lisabk has a good suggestion. Tell those you want to have supporting you should something not go right. We didn't tell anyone but family that we were expecting again, lo and behold at 24 weeks we got the news that she wasn't going to survive (fatal birth defect). Granted by then, it was hard to say anything to friends we hadn'tt old. But in the end, when they did find out we were prego and she wasn't going to make it, they were all so very supportive. Tell who you need to and try not to worry about the rest.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would tell people, so that they understand your sadness and can grieve with you. I feel that every woman needs their mother or a mother figure in her life, especially during pregnancy. It helps to deal with what every the pregnancy throws your way, even if it is a pregnancy loss. I never regretted sharing that I was pregnant early on with everyone I knew, because when I lost Dot, everyone understood my husband and I's sadness and are able to grieve with us. If you tell no one or only a few, then your sadness will be less understood. It's a catch 22.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We told everyone when I got pregnant. My husband worked for the cable company and they even did a "CONGRATULATIONS" thing on tv with our names so everyone knew. We miscarried a week later and it was devastating becasue I didn't wanna talk about it and everyone needed to know. The others who didn't know asked "hows the baby" etc for months! It was heartbreaking. Next time we're not telling anyone til we're sure it's gonna stick! It's too difficult to have to tell everyone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am like zayannee, I am a talker too, but I find it really hard to tell people about upsetting things because i feel like after i tell them, they just think of my in terms of what ive been through and what ive told them. i dont like people to look at me with those eyes and know they are feeling sorry for me, or if they manage to forget for a minute, when they say something and suddenly remember, they feel the need to apologise and that makes it worse. i didnt tell anyone when i was pregnant, so i couldnt tell anyone when i miscarried, but i dont plan on telling anyone next time just in case, and i find it hard to even tell anyone i miscarried because im afraid it will just make them feel sorry for me when all i want is just someone to listen. i dont need sympathy, just an unjudgmental shoulder to cry on. maybe i should get a cat.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Tinydancer,
That's how I felt and that's why we didn't tell anyone we were pregnant the second time. I haven't even seen most of my family in the year and a half since the first miscarriage. I don't want them looking at me like poor little Emilie can't have a baby. This Thanksgiving will be the first time I've seen the family members who knew and I am so not looking forward to it, especially after my most recent miscarriage. They don't know about it, but it will most certinly still be fresh in my mind. I wish I could cancel the trip.
Zayannee
Zayannee
Wow good to find some other people that cant take the sympathy looks either.... I can take all the simpathy in the world here at DS because I know that you all really do know how I feel. Its just like were a family here, and we share some really strong feelings that nobody outside our DS family can understand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i'm sorry for your loss. i agree that it might be good for you to tell one or two really close people. people who would share like that with you. when my sister in law was pregnant, i didn't tell her about my miscarriage because i didn't want to upset her. she was more upset that i didn't tell her because she wanted to be there for me. this time i told her and she has been my shoulder, which has helped me so much. we are all here for you too if you need to talk.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I told everyone with my first pregnancy and then I had to tell everyone about my loss. I told very few people for the second one and therefore I had to only tell a few people of my loss. I didn't tell my MIL. She guessed the day before my loss and was angry at me for not telling her. She told me that any child I'm carrying is her grandchild and she wants to know. She was right. I was trying to protect her, but ended up kind of hurting her feeling. I will tell her the minute I'm pregnant next time. I also told my mom that I shouldn't have told her because of the hurt, but she told me that she was my mother and she is there to help take some of the hurt away. I'm blessed with a wonderful family. So, I would definately tell those close to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with the tell those close to you for support. I have already told my mom that I am not telling her until we hear a heartbeat the next time we are pregnant. I thought she was gonna go through the roof! She was furious that I would even think of keeping that from her. She said that she is my mom and is supposed to cry when I cry and rejoice when I rejoice. She lives 12 hours from me but I know that the moment I find out she will be able to tell in my voice.
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