On Monday night I was passing clots and bleeding heavily, So my husband and I went to the emergency room. After 5 different attempts by 5 different nurses and doctors to hear the heartbeat with the doppler and having no luck of hearing my baby they sent me for an ultrasound. While in for the ultrasound the tech who was doing it was very quiet and not showing me or telling me anything so I got upset and started to cry my eyes out, I had a bad feeling. She gave me a hug and told me that she could get in a lot of trouble doing this but that she was going to go get my husband and bring him in because there was something she wanted me to see and she didnt have the heart to make me wait in agony for who knows how many more hours to find something out. My worse fear was realized when she finally showed me the baby and I saw its heart wasnt beating and all the fluid around it was gone. I was just over 4 months pregnant and had just seen my baby a week and a half prior and everything looked amazing. They sent me home and gave me a prescription for a drug that would open my cervix and help pass the baby. I didnt need the drug I ended up having my baby in my bathroom at 4:30 in the morning yesterday. No one warned my of what I would see, I didnt expect to see my actual baby laying there in the toilet, I didnt expect to see its little eyes, nose, and mouth. Or its ten fingers and toes. My husband and I found out yesterday that our baby was a boy. I dont know what to do with myself, I dont know how to handle all these feelings and emptiness and shattered dreams of what my baby was going to be. Its not fair, I thought I was safe from this I was over 4 months. And I dont know what to do with my baby, we still have him and I dont have the heart to just dispose of him like he was trash or just something that happenedand I dont have $500 for someone to handle this for us. I dont care what anyone says or thinks...so what I didnt carry to term and by law it wasnt technically a baby, But to me this is child and I lost my baby and he was a real person. I go from being so devasted and crying my eyes out(like I am now) to so angry I just lash out at anyone, to completly numb, and last sometimes I forget this is really happening and I think im still pregnant. Sleep hasnt come easy and I can hardly eat. This just hurts so bad and I dont know how to cope with this or deal. I feel like a failure as a woman, mother, and wife. I was just so excited and happy and its all been taken from me so quick. My doctor suggested today to join something like this and reach out to woman who understand and mybe going through the same thing for advice and support, So theres my story I just want someone to reach out.....
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