Alright so. The day I had sex and got pregnant just passed a few days ago (August 19). That would be two years since I got pregnant. Obviously I lost the child. (Due to a massive drug overdose that almost killed me, too.). Still havn't forgiven myself AT ALL. It just seems to get worse. And even worse, my uncle's wife just had her first kid. So every time they come over I have to throw on a smile, try not to cry, and most importantly, try not to steal the baby. (Not even kidding on that one. More than once I created a plan in my head to steal little Georgie and run away with him...). I had to take a break from writing this twice so far because tears blocked my view of the keyboard. I also slipped on my coke problem yesterday. Brings me from almost 4 months to NOTHING. I'm not even happy when I'm high anymore. Doesn't really matter what I'm high on... I can't make myself happy. I'm taking my medication the way I'm supposed to and going to therapy once a week, but I'm still cutting and still depressed and moping around all the time. I really don't know how I'm possibly supposed to survive November 4th (the two year anniversary of losing my little Liberty) because I can't even handle thinking about it NOW and that day is over two months away. I havn't been sleeping well, or eating well, or pretty much doing anything normally. I mean I havn't left my room even to SHOWER. I leave my room to pee and get a snack. That's it. I know it's horribly disgusting, and you all are probably gonna go "..Ew." when you read this but I havn't showered in like.. A week and a half maybe because I don't want to move. I wake up, stare at the ceiling for about an hour, move from my bed to my computer, and sit there until I'm near to peeing myself. I jsut.. I hate looking at my stomach or really seeing myself naked at all SO MUCH that taking a shower makes me want to kill myself. I have to close my eyes when I change my clothes. I'm not even that bad looking or whatever. I just cant see my stomach. Or my cuts. Or my scars. And there really isn't much else to look at one my body. Sorry this was so long, I just.. I needed to get it out. And it still didn't really help all that much so I pretty much jsut wasted about 20 minutes typing this. Sorry for wasting your time, guys.
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