i just stumbled onto daily strenth about a week ago. i wrote in my journal and that made me feel good. i got a few replies so i didn t feel alone but the more times i came and read everyones stories, the worse i felt. i feel everything that you all are feeling because it took me 2yrs to get pregnent for the first time. i couldnt understand how all of these other girls who didnt need, want or (what i felt)deserved a baby, could get one. than when i got prego with my second (not trying)my husband decided that was too much for him and he cheated on me for a year. it wasnt until my daughter wasnt breathing and i had to rush her to the hospital and serving him with divorce papers that he stoped the affair. this past january i got prego again - not trying- this time it was twins. he was not happy. he told me if i had them he would leave me and that i would be taking everything away from the 2 i already had. he couldnt handle 4. so i thought about it long and hard. i didnt want to hurt my son and daughter. my father left my mom when i was 2 with 5 kids and we didnt have half as much as all of the other kids in the area. i didnt have a father and i didnt want to be the one to take him away from my kids. so at 10 wks i decided to abort. i cried the whole time. i thought he would come in the room and change him mind and say forget it, we'll work it out but he never showed. i couldnt face anyone for a week, not even my children. i felt like a murderer but i also felt like i didnt have a chose. where was i going to live with 4 kids and no job, no money, no husband. right after, my husband got a visecotmy so now we cant have anymore which i want but he doesnt. im not so sure i should be here on this board because i read all of your pain on how god took away your babies and i on the other hand gave away my babies in a horrific way. i am so sorry to all of you. please forgive me.
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