So it has been 4 months since my miscarriage and while I have accepted that I am not having a baby in July I still haven't accepted the unfairness of it all. My anger and jealousy toward anyone who is pregnant and has a baby is not getting better and I wish it would get better but I cant seem to control it or make it go away. All of the women around me have recently had successful pregnancies I am glad they did I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I Feel cheated that mine was not. I used to request pictures of my nephew all of the time but now I feel such loss when I see pictures of him it hurts too much but I feel so so guilty for not being supportive of my sister like I used to be and she is very understanding thank God but the fact that she is so supportive makes me feel guiltier that I cant be supportive in her life right now. My best friend gave birth to her daughter on the day I had a d&c talk about awful timing I feel such anger that she got her beautiful daughter and I am left empty and I feel like an awful person for feeling anger and jealousy toward her she has also been supportive and then my husband had the bright idea to tell me about someone he works with whose son got a 17 year old girl pregnant I did not need to hear and am so angry that he told me. No one seems to understand why I wouldn't want to hear about that. Plus the fear I feel is crippling me fear I will never get pregnant again fear that if I do get pregnant again I ail lose another one fear that I will never be a mother and that I don't deserve to be a mother when I cant even be happy for other people all I feel is anger hurt and fear and it is exhausting me. I feel so lost and not myself still.
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