Now I haven't actually had anyone say this to me but I'm beginning to feel that this is how some are feeling. On January 17th we learned that our baby had died. I was 17 weeks and 2 days. I saw my precious child on an ultrasound that was done after they could not find the heartbeat. On January 22 I had a D&E. It has all been very traumatic to go through. I have had so many friends go through this. My heart always ached for them but I had no clue as to how hard it is to go through. It has been the biggest heart break of my life. I had already felt the baby move inside of me. I still find myself thinking, "Oh, there's the baby," then I realize it's not. The baby is gone. I have no idea how I will get through the days around June 24 when our child was due to be born. I have so many friends who are due around that time too. I am so happy for them but I know it's going to be so hard. How do you get through the due date? How do you hold another friend's child while your heart aches for your own? How do you talk to people when you feel like they just want you to move on? My husband has been so supportive through this all but it has been so much easier for him to move on as it hadn't thoroughly sunk in that we were having a baby. He hadn't had the connection that I did from carrying our baby inside. He hates seeing me so sad and desperately wants me to find joy again. We have a beautiful and oh so precious 18 month old daughter. She brings smiles to my face even through despair and tears. I am so thankful for her now even more now than ever. Today I am feeling ok, but it can just hit so hard and I just cry and cry. This is so hard. I will never be the same again.
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