I am home for the holidays visiting family and friends; I got too see my bff last night who has a 2 year old beautiful daughter she has not experienced the loss of the child but has done her very best too be understanding and that's all grieving mother's can ask. Anyhow; she had plans for the night and her little girl was staying with the gparents. She was speaking of how much she misses her when her daughter is not around like she is missing a limb which is of course how any good mother should feel. But, (although I chose not too share this with her as I'm trying too stop talking about my loss so much too friends and family as the comments and uncomfortable looks have gotten old.) Her words were so sweet but I couldn't help but think of my own loss and have my heart sink because as a woman who has suffered a miscarriage my first and only pregnancy so far and its been the hardest thing I've had too go through in life so far. Esp. in those recent months after my loss I walked around every day feeling like something was missing such an indescribable heartache and at the same time thinking how can this hurt so much? My life is technically no different but spiritually emotionally my life has changed in every way, shape, & form. 2 years since my loss that feeling that something is missing is so much less; not sure if that is acceptance or just time healing some. But, I still miss my baby every day, of my life and although I wish my baby WOULD'VE been one that stuck that I would've have went and saw the heartbeat flashing on the screen instead of just my 9 wk little bean just not moving on the screen. But, I wasn't given a happy ending that day and that's a hard pill to swallow? Right? But, I still can't imagine NOT having my sweet baby in my life even though it was just for a month; I was shown for the first time truly selfless love. I HOPE HOPE HOPE that God will bless me with a baby on this earth but Kaden Lee will ALWAYS be my first child and will ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART My baby taught me so so much selfless love and going through this loss has been so so difficult but I remain DETERMINED to grow spiritually, emotionally from this loss. To become a better more understanding human being because I can't get my baby back but I can use this love, and pain too grow and become an even better woman.
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