Has anyone else struggled with self-blame? Sometimes I ask myself what I did to cause this? Part of my job is doing birthday parties and during prep time and cleanup I have to move picnic tables. Not these dinky little plastic things or even the Little Tikes/Step 2 models--I mean the big, honking wooden picnic tables and I remember early on setting a table down to set up for a party that was going to be going on the next day. Or did I use too much cleaning products when I cleaned the games or did the bathrooms? Did I drink too much coffee (this was before that study that came out), was it because of the stress of my hours being cut, was it because my SH and I were arguing during this time, or because I cleaned the cats' litter box, and on and on. . .Maybe I didn't do anything but all I know is I promised I'd keep my baby safe and I didn't because she's gone. And I can never have her back again and I would give everything I have that is within the bounds of moral decency to have her back! Makes no sense but it's how I feel1
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