I lost my first baby in the second trimester. I had a healthy girl a year later. 20 months later I had twins, a boy and a girl. They were in the nicu for a month due to prematurity, but now they are home and thriving. I feel like it's harder for me to bond with them, though. I don't know if it's because I was so scared of losing them when they were in the nicu, or if I'm just overwhelmed. I have a hard time every year around Novemeber. My son would have been born on my birthday, and so it's hard for me to feel happy...I find myself thinking about how old he would've been now. I think about how my son could've had a brother. It's been over 4 years and I can't believe I still have this secret grief. I don't know who to talk to. I know I am so blessed to have my children now. And yet I'm still sad that I never got to meet my first son. I want to be closer to my twins, and I think my grief is holding me back. And I don't know what to do with this grief, it feel like it just keeps going, and it's been so long, and I wish I could just have peace with it. Has anyone else experienced something similar?