I was that girl, with a million friends in a very small town. I was that girl who excelled at everything she did and had everything under control. I never broke my smile, missed a step, or showed weakness. I starred in plays, all state music festivals, state track meets, softball games, etc. I was funny and loved and admired by my peers. I was the girl with the black hair and bright blue eyes. Radiant blue eyes, filled with reflections of the skeletons pouring from her closet. It's amazing how you can hide the bruises and the pain. It's amazing how you can hide the truth of your childhood. Even from yourself and disguise it with a smile and laughter. Alcoholism and drug addiction was rampant in my family. My mother who is only 15 years my elder battled her demons while she left me with a man who battled his own and battled us as well. I became a user at age 12. No one noticed. It felt good to be slow and lathargic or awake and energized. The pounds just fell off and frankly being that young, the older dealers just seemed to "give" it to you. It was perfect. Who woulda "thunk" the girl with it all was so weak? It never crossed their minds. Eventually, it overwhelmed me as my mom remarried and tried to bring me into her new family and take me from the home I had always known. I rebelled. It hurt to live. It hurt to love, and finally for the first time in my life, it hurt to laugh. I couldn't hide it. Everyone knew. I became a topic of discussion as i was hauled away in an ambulance to treatment at 14. They all talked to each other, instead of the person who had needed the words the most. Me. Who woulda thunk? I was in and out until i was 18. Losing everything i had worked so hard to keep. I became married right out of highschool to a man who'd never used in his life. A perfect, christian family boy. I had my son, then 11 months later my other son. Losing them because of my demons. Then, a beautiful daughter, losing here because of my weakness, then another daughter, who i haven't seen walk. Who I clung to and breast fed for the first 6 months of her life. But, i let her go, because I didn't think. Now, 7 years later, i live where I can. I have nothing. My marriage is over, my kids don't know me, and I don't know myself. I still love life and cling to the future, but hold on to the past. I sometimes wish I could see the future. But, if it's anything like knowing and remembering the past, then I think that ignorance is bliss. A smile can hide so much. I laugh can ease the pain. But, thinking could've changed my life.
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