Most of us here understand exactly what you mean by the phrase "to love what you hate and hate what you love."
I will help you in any way I can. Be strong, your life IS worth fighting for.

Dear helpmy my name is Deral Im a former junkie in the worst way I bought u100s by the cases why because safety and I wasted away my veins by shooting meth and demorol now when I go to the Hospital or a clinic for a checkup they have to draw blood from my grown,I have no visible veins in my arms neck are clavical areas so there for they pry and prod on me for hours trying to find a vein before doing a cut down in my grown now I understand you use the needle and that tells me you are hardcore and your recovery will take a lot of will power on your part.Ive went over this time and time again w/ other addicts and the success rate aint good why its because folks love what they hate more than hating what they love .If you want sobriety then cut those rigs in half and flush them tell your supplier to stay away and put up or throw away all the parafinelia that might cause you to relaspe get the phone book yellow pages and find a detox center w/inpatient theropy and get your but in there if it kills you to get there and if thats not an option then you surround yourself w/ people that are clean AA,NA,or church whatever but seperate yourself from the enemy or should I say pull the sticker up by the root,when youve done this then the very next thing is getting your health back to normal by vitamins fluids and food and most of all plenty of rest no narcotics just plain ole natural sleep.If you need me Ill always be here for you but please be honest w/ me and remember there are others on this site that care and will help..fallengoddess is a good source of help so write her also...luv DERAL