Hi guys....Just need a shoulder to cry on right now...One of my husbands friends died this morning. He was 45 and had a heart attack while playing flag football......Horrible. He had a 7 yr old son and a 14 yr daughter along with a wife....We spoke for a while about how I worry about him not caring for himself as well as he should and he needs to go to the dr. My husbands dad had a heart attack at 40 and heart conditions run in his family. Well, all day long my husband has been saying, "Can you even imagine???" to where I continuously said, "No, its so terrible, I cant even imagine" until about the 7th time he said it and I replied, "Actually, I can imagine as I worry every single day that I could die from a stroke or heart attack from my APS". "Could you imagine your wife dropping dead while cleaning the house from her disease?" He then got pissy with me and said, THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU, melissa....You dont need to turn this around onto yourself..... I just started to cry. I NEVER COMPLAINE and rarely do I tell him or anyone else my daily fear of dying or something bad happening to me from APS. I explained to him that the only reason I had finally said I COULD imagine is after him saying it 10 times and being honest with him, which I never am....I never make anything about ME unless people push me and say POOR so and so has this, that or the other.....I feel so bad for them. Im helping them, yada yada....Think they ever say anything like that to me????? NOPE. I dont even get, "Gosh, it may be tough melissa....Im here for you". Its like my entire family is clueless about my disease and fears that go along with them. No one understands me...I just want to run away...I constantly given diggs by them and criticised for not putting myself in positions that are not good for me. The horrendous drugs I have to take and pred. causing my body to act wacko. They think I have no reason to worry about sick people being around me or being depressed.....Im just so tired of no one understanding... Family and husbands are suppose to make you feel better not worse. I guess I will just have to die for them to understand that my feelings were/are valid....Im just having a bad moment. He left (going to the families house) saying that he does understand me and what I go thru but he really doesnt.....I feel so alone in my own personal hell called life....I cant even cry because I dont want ryan to see me so I have a lump in my throat....Honestly, I would rather drop dead unexpectedly then know I could die years ahead of time. The weight on my shoulders can become unbearable at times because I am a worrier and have had so much to deal with.Sorry for the downer. Sorry if I have made no sense at all. Hope everyone else is having a better day.
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