
LOVE ADDICTION Community Group
This forum will help all who wish to recover and gain some tools to be able to cope and deal with the issues stemming from our emotional problems that are hurting our relationships on a day to day basis...The relationship with ourselves as well as others...The solution is here for the taking..

Rruussnn
Well, I may not fit precisely into the "Ambivalent/Avoidant Love Addict" definition, it most closely resembles my problem. I crave a relationship with a woman, yet I am terrified of it. Second, I feel such a deep-seated inadequacy about myself in relation to women that it makes it difficult for me to enter into relationships. I often feel overlooked by women, and I know this relates back to my adolescence. And it really rots away at my core. I feel small and weak and ashamed in comparison with attractive women, and that makes it hard for me to be myself around them, or I just feel confused about how I should act. And, most of all, I just feel so insecure about being able to even maintain a relationship.
When a potential for a relationship exists, I feel happy, and sometimes a little "high," which, I guess is normal. But when there is no potential, I feel a bit depressed and unhappy. My last potential for a relationship turned out that she didn't want to date, and that crushed me and threw me into a depression that, through the wonders of modern medicine, I am creeping out of.
So here I am, without potential for a relationship. So I am am not happy. But I am not sad. I just feel incomplete, and ashamed as well because "everyone else" seems to be in a relationship. That just compounds the shame and makes me feel more isolated. So it sucks. And that's what makes weekends suck for me. I don't have my work to hide behind so I get to feel in all its glory how incomplete and unsure of myself I feel.
When a potential for a relationship exists, I feel happy, and sometimes a little "high," which, I guess is normal. But when there is no potential, I feel a bit depressed and unhappy. My last potential for a relationship turned out that she didn't want to date, and that crushed me and threw me into a depression that, through the wonders of modern medicine, I am creeping out of.
So here I am, without potential for a relationship. So I am am not happy. But I am not sad. I just feel incomplete, and ashamed as well because "everyone else" seems to be in a relationship. That just compounds the shame and makes me feel more isolated. So it sucks. And that's what makes weekends suck for me. I don't have my work to hide behind so I get to feel in all its glory how incomplete and unsure of myself I feel.
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did you see my "workshop i attended" post here? that may give you some insight into your feelings and where this started for you.
what do YOU like to do with your time?
you certainly have potential for a relationship. we all do! but the relationship that matters most is the one you have with you!
what does "attractive woman" mean for you....
i know this is trite and it's been done to death...but until you have a relationship with yourself. until you satisfying you is the majority of your life then you cannot be in a healthy relationship with another. additionally, you cannot attract or maintain a healthy relationship because those who are healthy seek out those who are healthy.
words like "weak" "inadequacy" "insecure" "terrified" "ashamed" "confused" "depressed" "unhappy" "incomplete"....they are not YOU. they are just feelings.
again, at the workshop i attended we were asked to write down three things about ourselves we didn't like. mine were "clinging" "overbearing" and "confused". we then had to walk around the room introducing ourselves to each other like this:
"Hi. I'm clinging, overbearing and confused" and then the other would say "Hi clinging overbearing and confused. I'm selfish, lonely and ashamed."
it was quite a riot and took lots of the sting out of the words we used to describe ourselves. it also showed how others perceived themselves even when we didn't perceive ourselves that way.
i would venture a guess that in childhood you didn't have your needs met and so you responded in this negative way to yourself. as children, rather than thinking our parents don't meet our needs, we think something must be wrong with us...we are defective...if our parents, the ones who love us most, don't meet our needs.
so the journey begins by figuring out your needs and then meeting them. when you get comfortable doing this then you may be able to attract and maintain a healthy relationship...
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
it's taken me years of work to get better and i am in no way whole but it can be so much better.
"codependent no more" is a great book. "the intimacy factor". "healing the child within"....
head to a bookstore and check out what appeals to you. do some reading. have you thought about seeing a counselor to work on self-esteem issues?
for me, the only positive reinforcement i really receive in life comes from my counselor, a few good friends, and the great friends here at DS.
stick around this board and the codependency board. you will learn much!
xo