I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT MYSELF NOW. OF COURSE IT HAS TO DO WITH HIM. I COULD NOT GET THE URGE TO BE WITH HIM OUT OF MY HEAD SO YESTERDAY I DID IT. I THOUGHT IT WOULD GIVE ME CLOSURE AND AT FIRST IT DID AND THEN I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT HOW GOOD IT FELT. AFTER TALKING TO HIM TODAY, I FOUND OUT THAT AFTER I LEFT, HE WENT AND GOT HIS 18 YR OLD GF AND HAD SEX WITH HER. HE HAD THE NERVE TO TELL ME IT WAS EXCITING TO BE WITH 2 GIRLS IN THE SAME NIGHT. I THOUGHT, HOW LITTLE DOES HE THINK OF ME TO ACTUALLY TELL ME THIS. I HAVE LET THIS EVIL MAN RUN OVER ME FOR 11 YRS AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED. SOMETIMES I GET THIS SILLY NOTION THAT HE MISSES ME AND CADEN SO MUCH THAT HE WOULD BE FAITHFUL THIS TIME BUT I KNOW 100% THAT WOULD NEVER BE THE CASE AND THAT WAS MAINLY WHY I LEFT. ALL I CONCENTRATE ON IS WHAT I LOST, MY MARRIAGE, MY DEVOTION, MY FAMILY, MY DREAMS, HIM....I JUST THINK ABOUT HIM ALL DAY. STARTING NOW, I AM QUITTING. I HAVE NOT REALLY BEEN ABLE TO ACCEPT THAT OUR MARRIAGE WAS REALLY OVER. WE'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 8 MTHS BUT FOR SOME REASON I COULD NOT LET HIM GO. NOW I AM LEFT QUESTIONING HOW I EVER LOVED THIS MAN AND THINKING I WAS JUST ADDICTED TO THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. I MEAN, HE WAS NOT A GOOD MAN. EVERYTHING THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT IN A MAN DESCRIBES HIM. UNFAITHFUL, STOLE FROM ME, BAD DAD, LEFT ME ALONE FOR 4 MTHS WHILE OUR CHILD WAS LYING IN A HOSPITAL, HIT ME, LAZY, QUIT HIS JOB FOR 6 MTHS WHEN WE GOT MARRIED, DIDN'T WANT TO WORK, ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING HURTING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT, DIDN'T HELP, DIDN'T STAY HOME...I WAS IN LOVE W/ THE MAN I ALWAYS THOUGHT I COULD LOVE ENOUGH TO MAKE A GOOD PERSON. I THOUGHT IF I LOVED HIM ENOUGH, HE'D REALIZE I DESERVED A GOOD MAN. NO SUCH LUCK, HE JUST SAW I LOVED HIM AND WOULD STAY THROUGH ANYTHING. I CALLED MY THERAPIST YESTERDAY AND HE SAID FIGHT THE URGE AND DON'T DO IT. IT HELPED FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS BUT THEN IT CAME BACK. NOW, I FEEL WORST, USED AGAIN! BUT IT'S MY FAULT, I WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND ASKED FOR IT. DID I JUST WANT TO KNOW I COULD STILL DO IT FOR HIM? WAS THIS JUST A VICTORY TO ME. I THINK THAT IS HOW IT STARTED OUT BUT WHERE IT USED TO BE MAKING LOVE, IT WAS PURELY A SEXUAL SATISFACTION KIND OF THING THIS TIME. I DID NOT FEEL THAT CLOSENESS THAT I FELT WHILE WE WERE MARRIED, WHICH I'M THINKING IS GONNA HELP ME MOVE PAST THIS AND WILL HELP ME REALIZE THAT MY FEELINGS ARE FADING EVEN IF IT'S SO SLOW I CAN'T SEE IT. MY FEAR IS THAT HIS BAD HABITS HAVE RUBBED OFF ON ME SOME BUT I THINK IT'S MORE THAT I STILL NEEDED CLOSURE WITH HIM. I HAVE A NEW AWESOME BF NOW BUT HAVE BEEN W/ HIM SINCE RIGHT AFTER I LEFT MY EX. I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T GIVE MYSELF ENOUGH TIME TO HEAL (EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE TOLD ME). BUT NOW I AM WITH THE ONE I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH. I WOULD ALWAYS TALK MYSELF OUT OF LEAVING MY EX B/C I THOUGHT ALL MEN WERE ALIKE AND ALL SEXAHOLICS AND SCREAM AND FUSS AND WON'T HELP BUT HE IS EVERYTHING I ALWAYS WANTED IN A MAN, EVEN COOKS AND CLEANS. I COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE BUT I DO FIND MYSELF TAKING HIM FOR GRANTED SOME AND THE CALMNESS IS REALLY DIFFERENT TO ME. I HAVE SPENT 29 YRS IN CHAOS AND NOW THAT I AM WANTING TO BREAK MY FAMILY CYCLE, I FIND IT'S HARD TO BE COMFORTABLE W/ CALM. THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE STUPIDEST THING ANYONE'S EVER SAID BUT IT IS NOT FAMILIAR GROUND SO IT REALLY THROWS ME FOR A LOOP. I LOOK FOR REASONS TO RUN AND I TRY TO PUSH HIM AWAY. I AM SO SCARED OF LETTING HIM LOVE ME. I AM SCARED OF AFFECTION. I AM JUST SO LOST. I KNOW WHAT I WANT MY END RESULT TO BE...WHICH IS SHANE....BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO GET THERE AND BE HEALTHY IN MY WAY OF THINKING. HOW COME I HAVE EVERYTHING NOW AND CAN'T SEEM TO ENJOY IT. MAYBE I JUST NEED TO START FOCUSSING ON WHY I LEFT MY EX AND THAT WILL HELP ME GET PAST THE MISSING PHASES. THERE WAS REALLY NOTHING TO MISS (BUT SEX) BUT IT'S JUST LETTING GO OF THE DREAM OF WHO I THOUGHT WE COULD BE THAT I'M HAVING THE PROBLEM WITH...ANYWAY, JUST NEEDED TO VENT AND NOT FEEL SO ALONE IN THIS.
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