So today is my first day. I'd like to give a breifing of my past so that I can face the fact.

My parents were addicted to crack and alchohol. My father left when i was like 5. My mothers addiction continued to spiral out of control. One day (about 9 years old) she took me to grandmas and never returned. From 9-13 she would appear an reapper leaving false hope. My father finnally got clean when I was aound 13. My grandmother died, so he took me. But his current wife was also still addicted and by then he had 6 more children, me being the oldest. I gues you can imagine how much attention I got. NOne. I was the second caregiver. So Life goes, and i still turn out to become a pretty levelheaded and successful young woman. It appears as though I have it alltogether. Good job, education, own a small business, own rental property.

That's all great! BUt relationship wise, I have never really had a longlasting healthy one. My daughters father was a high school sweetheart. Many of my relationships have been with drug dealers and men who have some jacked up issues. You know, grown and still living at home, cant keep a job, (the current one is a gambling addict who lives at his grandmothers), weedheads, emotionally unavailable, commitment phobias, married and the list goes on. The most detrimental and longest one was the abusive one. At the age of 20-22. I was physically and mentally abused. I did take somewhat of a break after that but then I found myself dealing with guys who either had girlfreinds or simply didn't want girlfriends. ( well that's what they tell me anyway)

I found myself dealing with these men and either hoping they would change or thinking i could change them. NOt too sure which one it is. In the last 5 or 6 years I have yet to have a man tell me he loved me and truly without a doubt believe it.And vice versa. Sometimes I beleive when I tell them, and sometimes I don't. Guess I don't know the difference between infatuation and true love. These men treat my like care for me, some shower me with attention, but never say they want to settle down with me.

The current situation, we'll call him B. Gambling addict, drug dealer, lives at grandmoms at 32. PS Also has a government job, very affectionate, attentive, funny, blah blah blah. Been dating for 5months, known him for a year. The crazy thign is I want him to commit to me. No I don' want him to marry me, I just want him to say I'm his "girlfreind". I have this obssesion withn that. He says it's too son to tell. Bullcrap! But that's not the point. Why would I want to settle for someone like this anyway! I don't! I know I don't and yet I still crave him and the attention he gives. And still wants him to say he loves me wnd wants to be with me in a monogamous relationship.

I want this from almost every guy I date. even if he's a loser and I know it. Exception. If a guy is "boring" to me, than I probably won't be interested. I THOUGHT THIS WAS NORMAL. IS THIS BEHAVIOR NORMAL? AM I CODEPENDANT? AM I A LOVE ADDICT?