i never felt so lonely before in my life and not just because it seems that i am by myself most times with my kids (going mad because they really are nuts sometimes - i am the entertainment everywhere i freakin go bc of them - i swear to God - its SOOO embarrasing sometimes!) but because i reach out to people all the time and i just dont get it back - i really dont feel the love. i see this shit on facebook with people rolling the red carpet out for others and i scrutinize and analyze everything i do and think what the hell am i doing that is so wrong or horrible that people seem to just avoid me or not want anything to really do with me?? i just can't figure it out, i feel like a walking disease. i KNOW i am nice to people, i KNOW i am not overbearing and that i dont act needy, i KNOW that i am funny and smart. So what the hell? why did my family and friends NOT really visit me in the hospital when i had my children? i once kept a nurse hostage in my room because i had no one to talk to. I'm sure she was thinking God help me - get me away from this girl" - i almost felt it - i think she felt sorry for me. I walked up and down the halls by myself (h was home taking care of the other kids the last time) and saw that in every room the mother had her husband and family or friends. and because i had a c-section i was in the hospital each time for 4 days - the first time was different because it was my first child but the other times - people seemed to really have cared less. even my own bitch sister would have rather gone down the shore than to visit me in the hospital with her new nephew. people really fuckin suck!!!! just thinking about all this now makes me want to cry. i really dont know what is wrong with me in all honesty that turns people off -?????? and it KILLS me and makes me so CRAZY jealous to see others who seem to act the same way supposedly and get all this attention and bombarded with love and friendship! sometimes i just wish i was never born - it hurts so much. in general i hate people now. there are very few people that can make me feel good - VERY FEW but the rest may as well as spit on me. shit.
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