So I'm home from college for spring break. I thought it would be nice to be home...but it's not. I don't even feel like this is home anymore. I have no friends left here at home anymore really...and my family doesn't even do anything together anymore. I can't stand being away from my boyfriend. It's weird though...this has been the longest period I've been "happy" in my life...and it seems like the most I've been happy in a long time. But, now that I'm home I'm pretty unhappy I spend countless hours trying to distract myself from thoughts of boredom, unhappiness, loneliness ...and generally not being satisfied. I get sad when I can't talk to my boyfriend all day until after 9 and then he ends up getting sleepy after awhile and we don't get to talk too much. I always need the constant reassurance that he loves me still and that he's still here for me. I hate being so insecure about myself and my relationships with others. I hate being so overly sensitve...with all my emotions. I just feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster with extremes in either happiness, sadness, anger, or anxiety. I live my life trying to be happy and then when I finally become happy I feel anxious that it will soon go away or something will destroy it...so ultimately it ends up being ruined. I also find when all these sorts of emotions are bottled up in some way or another they end up bursting out in either anger or sadness...and right now I feel sad ...I ended up crying for the first time in a long time tonight. I feel guilty for making my boyfriend stay up a little longer to talk to me..cause I know he was tired...but I just missed him a lot and I didn't want him to leave me. I hate how my fear of abandonment always controls my life...I'm so afraid he will leave me one day. =[ I hate all the confusion my BPD causes me and all the emotions that come along with it are very overwhelming to me.
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