I had a really bad day yesterday. I could not stop thinking thoughts of resentment and how I hate the way I have been treated by people my entire life. People who didn't think that I deserved to be an equal and that I didn't measure up to a standard they deemed accecptable to be human. I sat back and thought about all the shame and embarassment I have suffured at the hands, and mouths, of these people. My entire life, I have never been excepted by people. It's almost as if I'm wearing a scarlet letter. No matter how hard I've tried, I have never been accepted. It makes me hold my head down in shame and wonder what's wrong with me? Being a loner all of my life, I don't have a lot of people skills and it's evident when I have to come face to face with people. I find it hard to look people in the eyes when I have to talk to them. A whole lifetime of neglect and disregard from people have made me a hermit. I emerge only to get the neccessities of the day done(e.i. work, shopping, appts. etc..), and then I'm back in my little hole to spend the rest of my day. Where feelings of anger, bitternes, hurt and pain run amuck. Where thoughts of suicide run rampant. And no matter how hard I try, I can't get the bad thoughts and feelings to go away. The wounds are so deep, the thoughts are so engraved and the images of people who have done me so wrong are so vivid, that I cannot seem to "get over it". So far, no amount of therapy or counseling, has helped.
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