It's finally sunny today on a Saturday after weeks of rain. Want to be part of it, but no will to get myself out there. It's so hard talking to people. Can't seem to find my own spontaneity. I'm always worried about whether what I say will be too boring or too irrelevant. So scared of being rejected (and HAVE been rejected so much) that I can't seem to loosen up and just be me. I don't really know who me is, actually. In my mind I'm someone who is funny and laughs a lot and likes to do lots of things, but the reality is I do very little in my free time (I do work full time). And the funny, laughing part only comes out when I feel good and that's usually only when I'm under the illusion that I'm getting closer to people. Invariably, the bubble bursts and I face my intolerable existential aloneness. I sort of think the key lies in finding a way for it to be OK to be alone, really alone. Then one can relax. But how to make that be OK?
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I am almost to depressed to write this. I'm not tired but all I want to do is lie on my bed and do nothing. I have a lot of work to do. I'm doing therapy, taking meds, trying not to isolate. I did a meditation this morning. Music isn't uplifting me. I don't know why, I just can't be motivated to do anything...anything.Ever feel that way? what helps you get moving?
I have to get this out because I have to tell someone that would understand and not judge me for what I'm about to say. On my way home from work yesterday I had scary thoughts. Like major freak out scary thoughts, that until yesterday I had never had...I'm still shaken, my hands are shaking typing this. I started wondering "let's try cutting a slice, not deep, but a superficial cut on the thigh...