I am not expecting much from this. This is my first post on anything like, ever. I am enrolled in a university, and I recently quit my job. I served in the military at a young age, and now I am 25 years old. I am told I look 19 and this always leads to “that’s a good thing, you’re going to look great when your older”. Monotonous, every conversation, a repeat of the last with a different name and background, but to what significance. I can’t say I have meaningful relationships with anyone outside my family; in fact, everyone who has gotten close to me soon realize that I am not the kind of person to get close to. It is not like I push people away, I just slowly dwindle from a lack of personality and interaction to follow. I can’t even begin to describe how it got this way, because this is all I’ve ever known. I am told that I am good looking, but I see little importance in it. I meet new people all the time, and I develop relationships quickly but it will never get anywhere. I am starting to realize more often that people jokingly call me an asshole, but I don’t understand the joke. Maybe I really am being an asshole. I feel emotionally detached, but that’s also not true because I pick up on other people’s emotion rather quickly and alter mine depending on the situation. Is it sincere? Just feels like an analysis of my surrounding and adjusting. Is this wrong? I should feel something, right? I’m not a robot, I have feeling but at the same time feel no excitement, joy, or worthiness in anything. I am not depressed, at least I don’t feel it. People go through so much worse than me in life, but I am here complaining about nothing.--Yes I am aware of the ‘Breakfast Club’, we all have problems no matter the background -- I have two parents, and two siblings who all seem joyful but not me. It is strange that I am the youngest of my siblings but they are somewhat jealous of me because I am what they call a ‘natural’ at most stuff (art, knowledge, sports, and mechanics). It is silly because I am jealous of their joy and meaningfulness. Nobody knows I feel like this, but I don’t think they care to know. They just think I am being me, which is wrong by itself. I don’t want your pity, this is somewhat cathartic, but I appreciate your time if you’ve managed to read this post.
So this virus situation is going on. My state is on "home orders" . I stay at home mainly. I started going on the treadmill. I am eating less. So treadmill, eating less, drinking water, and sleeping. Thats my day mainly. Hopefully if I am eating less carbs, I can get my trygliceides down more. Also working on my weight.
Just not having a great night tonight. I just don't feel good enough for this world.