It really is almost laughable. How pathetic I am. I don't even know how to begin to change my life. I really feel as if I am invisible and I just want to scream for someone to look at me, notice, me, and give a crap about me. 10 years ago, I got married to a wonderful man. After almost 2 years of trying, I got pregnant. I was overwhelmed with joy. The minute I announced to my husband that I was pregnant, he became a different man. Long story short, he decided that being a father was ruining his life and wanted nothing more to do with me or our son. I should say that I am half Filipino and half German. My mother (the Filipino one) was not thrilled when I marrried my husband as he is/was black. She almost did not attend my wedding, did not allow me to wear her wedding veil as I was always going to do at my wedding. Last minute she decided to attend. Tried to accept my husband, though she refused to display a single photo of us anywhere in the house. Pictures of my sister and her husband were everywhere. When I had my son, I guess I crossed some line as I dared to taint my blood with "black" blood and it produced a child. My parents and my sister had nothing further to do with me or my son. I have been written off (happens more than you think in asian families). I dealt ok with my divorce, and I dealt ok with losing my entire family. I picked up and moved to a new state and started all over. about 6 months later my son was diagnosed with autism and I was devistaed beyond words. I had no support, no one to turn to for help. It was tough, but I dealt with it, and was ok. A couple years later a met a man (he was white...)who had adopted the half black daughter of his now deceased girlfriend. And boy did we hit it off! He were practically the only 2 people in our town (25,000 people) who had children of color. After only 2 months of dating he asked me to marry him. I felt so loved and so safe with him, that I accepted. That is when the abuse started. After we were married, I quit my job and we moved to a very rural area with a population of 580 people. We bought a ranch and neither of us worked. My husband was quite alot older than me and made very good retirement, and we lived off of that. Well, after the first episode, I left. But not having any money, and having to take care of an autistic child proved too difficult. I went to social services, tried to get help...but there was no one who could help me. So I went back. I watched my son like a hawk. I never left my son alone for even a second. I thought I would put aside grocery money every week...make an escape plan. Be more prepared this time. But my husband took out his frustrations on his daughter and beat her senseless. I secretly called the police and he was arrested. The day he made bail, was the day he died. He had a heart attack. We were married for just over a year. I did mourn for him, but then I rejoiced to have my freedom back. His daughter was taken in by his family, and I was left to run our ranch alone. I enjoyed it for a while. The peace and quiet. I felt safe and was happy. I am a very happy person. I've always been a people person. I had my husband's retirement for income, so I didn't have to work. The lonliness really started to kick in. I knew no one in this town. Neither of us worked, so there was no real way to have met anyone. I was going crazy with no one to talk to. Now I love my son more than life...but he is autistic and does not communicate. So I did not talk to a soul for a very long long time. I started to feel unimportant. I have no impact on the world. I am only 39 years old. Everyone here has known everyone else here for their entire life. I am just the strange outsider. I've had a difficult life. I've only touched on part of it. But for the most part I am happy. The lonliness is something I do not think I can bear anymore. Just tonight I tried to join a chat group...but all anyone wanted to do was talk about sex, and turn on their web cams. I can not get a job, I have to be there for my son when he is home from school. The only time I have to be an "Adult" is from 7:30 am until 3:15 - Monday thru Friday when he is at school. There are only so many times I can go to Walmart to talk to people. I don't know where to begin. I knwo people would tell me to go to church to meet people...but I am an atheist living in the bible belt. Even if I went just for the company...my son has a tendency to scream out for no reason, and I do not think that would work well at a church service. Any suggestions would be great.
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