It's been a tough couple of months... the financial crisis, illness in the family during the Holidays, worries about job insecurity, cold and snowy winter took its toll on me. I just joined this support group as part of an effort to feel a little bit better. I am truly lonely: divorced for a number of years, children grown and living their own lives, parents gone, no close relatives but a 94-year old aunt who is semi-financially dependent, stressful job. I definitely could use a hug!
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I hate getting up every morning. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like doing my school work anymore. I don't feel motivated to do anything productive. I guess that makes me lazy. I don't care if my family would miss me if I were to die. I guess that makes me a selfish monster and a horrible person. I keep getting the thought that I'm going to Heck if were to commit suicide. Day by...
...only feel better if they verbally bash on themselves. Like, I need to tell myself I'm nothing but a worthless piece of shit that deserves only the worst things in life. (excuse my profanity!) Then, I smile saying that and move on. However, I feel dragged down if I tell myself I'm perfect just the way I am.