Im a kill joy. no matter what the situation, I complain. Ive become agoraphobic, sarcastic, and depressed because of it. I recently won a bunch of awards at work, which will result with my picture in a magazine, of 12 people through out America. Its not a popular magazine, cause its the work magazine, but still pretty kewl for a resume. When I first found out I smiled. other then that i was indifferent and calm. i dont get excited anymore. i dont know fun, and energy. I was thinking of who to tell first and realized, that im not close to anyone. so i didnt really tell anyone. i dont want to make a big deal over it... cause i dont want a party. but it hurts that i dont have anyone, that i share anything with. i scatter emotions online where no one really knows me. its nice seeing the standard reply that someone else experiences the same thing, or itll get better. its just generally nice seeing that theres some form of reply... but it doesnt help. ive tried therapy three or four times. like maybe 30 something sessions. ill quit one person. go about 2 years, and figure ill start therapy again. it doesnt work for me. i want a solution, not a conversation. i joined the dating sites, cause im romantic, but i just lack spirit and energy. it depressed me more then anything. so many with children, and so many into parties, and all of them rich and in college. very few actually work... i thought there would be more with social anxiety, or just normal people that work normal jobs, and just hang out at home. i tried a mail order bride thing, but i dont understand how it works, and can only find the scam sites with fake profiles.... people like me, so i dont feel like a loser, even though when i read over my writings i feel so pathetic. i talk with a lot of the women at work. but were so different. i feel like just a picture. i catch an eye, but theres no words or meaning or action. im just dead inside. i just dont feel i have the energy for a relationship. but i still want one. I know people online and at work, because thats where im social. other then that i dont have local friends, and i only communicate with my mother.
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