I don't even really know where to begin. I have been a tomboy in personality/attitude for as long as I can remember. As a kid, if I could get away with it, I wore my brother's clothes, power ranger shoes, played basketball and soccer, and did other more masculine activities. On the other hand, my mom dressed me quite often in pink and dresses, bought me barbies, and I also enjoyed doing feminine activities. When I was about 8, a neighbor girl and I would play boyfriend/girlfriend where I was said boyfriend. I would drive her around in her battery powered jeep and "take her shopping" and "hold her bags" and "take her on nice dates" and such. We even kissed, but put our hands between so there was no lip contact. As I got older, I felt an enormous amount of social pressure to be more feminine, to stop acting or walking like a guy, to wear more dresses, to wear heals, to always look my best when out in public. Needless to say, I tried really, really hard to be a girly girl. Meanwhile, my attempts at romantic relationships with boys/men were all wrong. From the loss of my virginity all the way to my most recent ex boyfriend. They were all wrong. Not only have I always been completely repulsed by the male sexual organ, the sexual intimacy part was so uncomfortable and unnatural feeling that I rarely was sexually gratified. I have always been a girl whose one of the guys. I value platonic male friendships. I guess I've been trying to make myself believe that this was normal. I've been extremely attracted to women I've been friends with, but never once acted on it because I valued the friendship and would regret scaring them away with my feelings. Now I'm 22 and feel like coming out at this time in my life would tear apart my world. I feel like dressing how I want to dress, donating all my uncomfortable girly clothes to charity, I've already cut my hair short, and announcing to my group of friends that I have decided to stop lying to myself. But is that too much at once? Should I make this a gradual change, for my own sake even? How do you reset your entire identity if you've been playing pretend for so long? And how do you justify this decision when the reasons behind it are extremely painful and unpleasant, and keep you dwelling in the past?
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