Well, I'm back on DS after about a year away. Its been almost two years since my ex and I separated and a year and a half since the divorce was finalized and its taken me this long to finally end communication. My ex basically decided to quit our marriage because he wasn't willing to put the work into making the changes to behaviors that he was doing that was destroying us. The biggest issue between us was his lying. He'd lie just about everything you can imagine to taking out the trash to handling bills and financial information. The next biggest issue was that he simply acted like an immature jerk. He handled almost everything in life with extreme immaturity. He seemed to always be angry or frustrated about everything from his job to his responsibilities as a husband to daily life in general. He was very disrespectful to me and frankly, a really crappy husband. Selfish, self absorbed and incredibly immature. Very passive aggressive. Our counselor called him the biggest bullshitter she's ever met in 20 years of practice. While I was by no means perfect in our marriage, I can honestly say that our marriage failed because of his dishonesty and continuous disrespect in how he treated me and our relationship. I gave us 100%. He did not. Not even close. Anyhow, I struggled with our relationship for so long because everything he said contradicted everything he did. He told me for years he hated the person he was and wanted to change and was willing to change, but he did not put the work into it. When push came to shove, he'd always resort to his cowardly ways of lying and being a jerk when issues or problems arose between us. Anyhow, I've always wanted closure between us. I've wanted to understand why he would rather remain a liar than make a marriage with a good woman work. I've always wanted at least some kind of better understanding so that I can make my peace and move on. For the past two years Ive given him countless opportunities to talk to me and at least end things civilly with each of us understanding where the other was coming from so there are no unanswered questions left hanging. Each time he's handled it extremely poorly, at times even throwing temper tantrums like a child. After almost two years, i finally decided yesterday that I'm tired of hating. I'm tired of the extreme resentment I have towards this man for treating me and our marriage poorly for 15 years. I wanted to forgive him. I called to talk to him one final time and was so proud of myself for the things that I said. I was mature, generous, kind and loving. And most importantly forgiving. And he was HORRIBLE to me. He kept rudely interrupting me, he was childish and I'm just so disappointed that the man could not at least be civil. I truly believe he carries a lot of self hate for what he did and instead of dealing with it, he's projecting it onto me. I know I did the right thing, the mature thing, the loving thing....and am the better person for it. But today, I am deeply saddened that this man I loved (eventhough he didnt deserve it) for so many years has self destructed into a hateful, bitter, angry man incapable of understanding or accepting a gift of forgiveness. I feel like my closure is realizing I never saw him for who he really was. Now that my eyes are open, I'm so devastated that the man I loved is such an angry, bitter, petty person. Has anyone had a marriage dissolve and their ex becomes consumed with anger and bitterness and hatred that they almost appear inhuman? I feel like I don't even know this man anymore. Or is it that I never really did? I'm so disappointed that after all this time, this is my closure. I"m not even really sure what that closure is and I'm struggling terribly today.
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