Hi. I am a 29 year old woman who is in a long term same sex relationship. My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years. I hace BPD. I started DBT and therapy about a year ago and quit everything a couple months ago. I am not exactly sure why. I think I was just sick of working on myself and I was doing really good so I just wanted a break from it all. Well, our relationship is the most healthy relationship I have ever had (she is also the only woman I have ever had a relationship with). She has helped me through so much; healing from rape, past abuse, working on handling my BPD, etc. She has been so good to me, so patient, so understanding. But I am very dependent on her and I want to become more independent. However, I feel like we are stuck in our roles. She is always worried about me and taking care of me. I know she needs to take care of herself and her happiness means the world to me. And I know it is so how hard it is to be in a relationship with me because all of my issues BPD brings to it. Also our passion has seemed to die out. When we got together we had so much passion. Then I started having flashbacks from the rape and couldn't have sex. She was patient and understanding and helped me through that. But since I have healed from that our passion has not. I don't know if we got stuck or if we just don't have that for one another anymore. And I have also been thinking about men...a lot. Very recently I reconnected with an old boyfriend from college. We went to lunch and had an amazing connection. He made me feel so passionate, so beautiful, so wanted, so alive. I wondered if something cosmic was pulling us together. He is going through a divorce and told me that me coming into his life helped him make that decision. That I was the ONLY person that could do that for him. That he was feeling like he gave up who he was in his marriage and I made him realize who he is again. After our lunch I couldn't stop thinking of him and he told me the same. The next night I went out with some friends alone (which is very rare) and he happened to be going out with his friends too. We ended up going to bars that were NEXT DOOR to each other. This was a place I have never been. So the cosmic feeling was there again. Something is pulling us together. I ended up going home with him that night and sleeping with him. I didn't call my partner, she was worried sick about me and called hospitals and my family to see if they knew where I was. When I came home I just couldn't tell her, I felt so awful. and me and this guy continued to talk. Well it is now one week later and I told my secret in my sleep! I called his name while I was asleep and my partner heard me. She got up and checked my FB account and saw an email between the 2 of us. Now everything is a mess. She doesn't know if she can or wants to forgive me. And now instead of us working on our relationship and the issues we have, it is about me cheating on her. We thought we would take a break to think but it is virtually impossible since we own a home together and bills and cars and cats. I am very confused right now. I love and care about her so much and no matter what I want her in my life forever, she is my family. Can anyone please help me? What do I do? I am so confused and scared.
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