Not wanting to be with your partner is not normal. There has to be something wrong.

The lesbian deathbed - very common unfortunately. Basically, the 'experts' (probably middle aged, protestant, MEN in white coats) say that it's due to the way women bond. We tend to be highly sexual in the begining but become less so as we progress into couplehood. We want to nuture, not knock boots. We get distracted with the everyday - paying bills, taking care of the home, kids if we have them ect. Since (per societies norms) women aren't supposed to be highly sexual, one partner does not feel right being aggressive or expressing their frustration over the lack of sex and the problem continues.

She may not even know why she isn't interested. Perhaps she isn't as sexual as you, perhaps she's under stress of work. Why doesn't really matter at this point. What does matter is making sure both people are having their needs met. Counseling may help if you can find a counselor that specializes in same sex couples. My partner and I went through a short period of time where we had the same issues - I wanted to be intimate several times a week, she only MAYBE one a month or every other. It was very trying. We managed to get through it and she realized that her lack of self confidence (she had gained some weight since we'd gotten together) and past issues over sex were having a negative impact on us. Now we're fine and have similar levels of desire. However, I honestly wouldn't have been able to continue like that forever. I love her but what defines us as a couple and not roommates or friends IS sex. I'm not saying I would have left her, but we would have had to structure some kind of open relationship or other solution.

I wish you luck - keep communication open!!

Wow. kimbly! Awesomely written!!!!

Well said Kimbly

thanks kimberly.i have approached the subject of councelling but she won't have it.like u say both needs should be met,i feel it's like she wants her needs met when she eventually feels like it but doesn't consider my needs.if i bring up the subject she gets narky with me saying lay off pressuring her.i hardly ever mention it now but it hurts like hell

Gozzy - if she won't consider counseling, you may still want to pursue it on your own. An unbiased ear is never a bad thing. You have us, but we all will relate to our own experiences. A professional is able to stay more neutral. It's sad to me that she shuts down the topic - clearly because there is no problem to her. The problem will carry over to other areas if it's not already. I know during our tough sexual spot I became very passive aggressive and even tried reversing things by holding out when she wanted it - boy did that backfire!!

it has been alot to do with my depression cos of the feeling of being rejected.and it already has spilled out into other things i get like what the hell you won't sleep with me sometimes and i can get grouchy aswell.then when she says she loves me i feel like saying yer sure u do.

Not all love is sexual. I think it's really hard as lesbians to accept that we can LOVE someone deeply but may not be able to easily identify the difference between friendly love and romantic (and sexual) love. We tend to fade into friendship as years progress but not be able to accept or recognize it as such.

Here's the thing, Gozzy - you can only control you. You can't make her desire you or intimacy in general. You can only control how you respond, what steps you take for your own health and how you move forward.

Would I be presumptious if I assumed that you don't have active social lives separately from each other? We need external interactions to keep us from growing stagnant and complacent. We merge into these tight little couples that have no independence and wonder why we don't desire each other anymore - there's nothing of interest left when someone loses themselves and becomes another you. It's not selfish to work for your happiness. We have to keep moving forward as individuals as well as in our coupledom. This problem is more prevalent in same sex couples because we are seen as 'the girls', 'the ladies' ect. One isn't invited to 'Girls night' without the other. It's important to maintain autonomy. Again, just from my experience... my partner and I have been together for 9 years and this has been a hard lesson to learn!

neither of us have a social life.partner works nights 3 one week 4 the next.i had another failed attempt yesterday trying to woo her she just treated it as a joke.i was well miffed but didn't let her see that.i love her with all my heart so i wouldn't go elsewhere.