Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
i can't stop crying. i feel like i just woke up from a nightmare. i dumped fear and anger on my gfriend that had little to do with her and so so much more to do with my father... unhealed unresolved childhood hurt and anger... my therapist says i don't believe i deserve a loving trusting relationship... i don't quite connect to those words, though i know there it is my truth... i got convinced i couldn't trust my gfriend anymore even tho' she reassured me and we were working together in therapy... she got a friend that started out as a flirt. i lost it. i asked her to wait on the friendship 'til we were in a stronger place... we've been struggling for awhile. because of my insecurities and because of my discomfort with her boundaries with others (her own issue she's working on) over our 3 years, i had asked her to limit contact with several people she had been involved with in the past. i called them exes. she called them one nighters that were mistakes with people who were friends mostly and she had kept as friends... so my part in creating this mess is that i finally asked one too many times... and the one time it really counts, is the one time it's too much for her. she wasn't going to give something up out of fear that she'd lose me and i wasn't going to tolerate what i was sure was an affair in the making... now 4 months later, after much continued mistrust on my part, convinced they were disrespecting me, those two are still just friends... at least that is my hope... my worst fear is that i've pushed her into that other woman's arms! i keep working at not torturing myself, thinking the worst, imagining them together... i feel sick to my stomach, nauseaus, dizzy... now i have to do i want to do what i couldn't didn't know how to do 4 months ago. i want to trust. i want to have faith in our love. i want to believe even in the worst case scenario that our love will bring her back to me. i've apologized, written her poetry... and i want to surrender accept i've lost her. she says she doesn't trust me anymore. i'm coming to her with conviction and clarity and she needs to see me consistent for a long time. i'm paying through my heart, mind and soul for my fearful rage. i kept quiet the first half of our love. i made up for it the 2nd half. keeping quiet is something i'd done all my life. being angry, expressing it is something i've needed to do. i see now that i did so destructively. i see now other ways i could have managed my feelings. i feel humbled. i feel shocked at my behavior. i feel ashamed. i feel sorrow agony that with all my knowledge and all my self-awareness and all my consciousness and all my love for her, i am in agonizing pain over what i've done, over having lost her... today i've lost her. one minute at a time is even overwhelming.
-
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
-
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
quiet your spirit
listen to the deep stirrings in your soul.
then and only then
after tears
go back into the world and do that which brings you real joy and feeds your soul.
These hard times teach us, read your post, recognize what you can learn from it, from what you've said and what you've not said.
Feel the pain and allow yourself to mourn. Then allow yourself to grow.
Stay here with us, we will surround you with friendly love and laughter, we will cradle you in our safe embrace until you are ready to face the world once again.
sniff, sniff, wiping away real tears.
Airam? you too dear, come on.
i'm actually in a good place right now... i'm doing an alright job of stopping negative 'what if' thoughts. i'm choosing faith in what we had and self-respect. hey, i'm a catch and she knows it... she tells me i'm spectacular and that she really likes me and that i'm the only one she knows who responds to her with compassion... and i'm remembering her reassuring words, 'i'm not attracted to her' 'she's not important to me' 'i don't know if she is going to be a friend or what'.
anyway, mostly i'm just choosing to focus on my day, my interests, my life, making new friends, getting support, enjoying my kitties, remembering i have a full life... i have my asl studies, my b/w photography, a party to go to after thanksgiving, new people that i'm meeting...
and also, just remembering the painful things i don't have to deal with anymore... differences in our needs between us that too often conflicted... remembering i've been asking for space for a long time... my regret is my harsh reaction that wasn't called for... and i also know that that was the best i could do then. i didn't know what i know now about myself... clearly i had to go thru this to learn how to separate my anger towards my father from anyone in the present...
and frankly, let her go start something with that person... someone told me that person takes things personally a lot... lol. so does my g/f. maybe some of her own sh*t back at her is a good thang... from what i do know of that person, if she wants her over me, then i didn't know my g/f like i'd thought... she can have her...
she may be coming over today... (her stuff is here still.) i'm ready to be pleasant, confidant, strong, smiles, helpful, kind... i do believe part of human nature is wanting what they don't have... so i do think it's important just in terms of human dynamics, that the sooner i really let her go, accept it's over, find peace within me, and stop asking, begging, for a reconciliation, the sooner she'll come my way... and you know what's interesting, i noticed a part of me actually feel uncomfortable with the idea of us reuniting any time soon... she wants to see behavior changes in me... turns out, i want to/need to see behavior changes in her too... so, truth be told... i'm not ready to get back together either.
of course, as i reread this, my insecure thoughts start trying to get me... u had a good thing, she wasn't having any affair of any kind, u f#cked up, she's with that woman, blah blah blah... aaargh! i don't know how to interpret a lot of what she says... is she saying i'm spectacular as a simple objective straight-forward statement or is she saying it as a way of saying, that's how special and important you are in my heart, still... she has a way of using words in ways that mean a lot more to me than they do to her... so... yuck...!
nope nope nope. stop stop stop.
happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts...
i talked with her today and she gave me and i accepted her words of hope... things she said: i'm her soulmate because with me/because of our love, she is evolving... she added that she knows it doesn't mean we will definitely end up together... that didn't help... but i'm trying to hold to what does make me feel better... her song for grief, alanis's 'simple together'... i interpreted it as we are completely over... she explained, no, that it's just her grief song, and reminded me that alanis starts by talking about 'this transition...' (truly, my g/f and i speak different languages... words, for me, are much more intense in meaning than they are to her... i have to remember that... when i hear her calling others baby, sweetie, honey and all her 'i love yous' to others...)
i also remembered that what adds to my pain and stress with this woman is that a few times in my past, when a relationship was crumbling, the person i was with would start a 'friendship' with someone, insisting they were just friends... i do think that is what they believed... but denial is f#cked up... then several times my ex would end up in an intimate relationship with that 'friend.'
i'm practically obsessed with anxious painful thoughts about a 'friendship' she has reassured me and i do believe sometimes, is just friends... i feel fury at the thought of them hanging out... i feel fury and disrespected because this was the beginning of the end in some ways... she started the friendship 4 months ago, we were already in trouble, i asked her to wait, because she had admitted to me that there had been flirtation and sexual energy... but she assured me it was no longer that... and because i had asked her many times to limit contact with several other friends of hers that she had been intimate with in the past ... i'm the type that doesn't keep in contact with exes... i have had a hard time understanding... and she was agreeable with me about limits, but it caught up with her and she realized she had agreed out of fear of losing me, fear of upsetting me... rather than plain ole' support... and in hindsight... the majority of those 'exes' had been nothing more than a one nighter... she has boundary issues which irritate me to no end... anyway, so i asked her one to many times and i understand that this last time she had to, for her own well-being, she had to say no... granted her manner with me wasn't great either... nevertheless, i reacted harshly...
my childhood pain stems from not feeling supported, no one had my back, i felt betrayed by my sister when she'd gripe about my parents to me and kiss their ass when they were around... i understand she coped how she needed... the pain is still there... the anger... so despite moments of feeling calm and reassured and clear and confidant in our love, and in who i am... sometimes i feel such rage that i know it has connection to some intense pain from childhood that i haven't acknowledged yet, haven't separated the pain that belongs to then vs. the pain that relates to the present reality...
thank you for reading...
Good Luck and big hugs.
peace, teresa
maybe i just can't be at peace. don't know how. still not believing i deserve good lovin'. maybe.
she HAS told me recently that that person isn't important to her... but her actions contradict... they spend time together... she doesn't even want me to meet her anymore because 'she just isn't that important.'
so my mind goes to, sure, u just don't want me to meet her cuz u or her feel more for each other than just friends and it'd be too awkward for one or both of u... anyway, she also called me her soulmate but then added that doesn't mean we'll grow old together...
so all of this is to say, i want to move far away and not deal with her until i'm more at peace with myself and can let myself trust and receive love... i'm the cold-turkey kinda person... this dragging things out, her stuff here, her talk of she loves me but can't call us a couple or girlfriend... if that other woman wasn't in the picture it would feel more clear to me... of course, i know i am most likely making that woman much more important than she really is... i'm trying to get some clarity on it... i asked her if she would let me know occasionally how their friendship is evolving.
this came after i had disclosed that part of what was hard was that a few times after a relationship ended, i've had exes hook up with someone that they had insistently claimed was 'just' their new friend... then she told me that she that happens frequently... i didn't know that... so.... i'll stop here... i was going to continue with my suspicious thoughts again... it's pointless. i'm addicted.
thanks for reading this all the way to here...