i can't stop crying. i feel like i just woke up from a nightmare. i dumped fear and anger on my gfriend that had little to do with her and so so much more to do with my father... unhealed unresolved childhood hurt and anger... my therapist says i don't believe i deserve a loving trusting relationship... i don't quite connect to those words, though i know there it is my truth... i got convinced i couldn't trust my gfriend anymore even tho' she reassured me and we were working together in therapy... she got a friend that started out as a flirt. i lost it. i asked her to wait on the friendship 'til we were in a stronger place... we've been struggling for awhile. because of my insecurities and because of my discomfort with her boundaries with others (her own issue she's working on) over our 3 years, i had asked her to limit contact with several people she had been involved with in the past. i called them exes. she called them one nighters that were mistakes with people who were friends mostly and she had kept as friends... so my part in creating this mess is that i finally asked one too many times... and the one time it really counts, is the one time it's too much for her. she wasn't going to give something up out of fear that she'd lose me and i wasn't going to tolerate what i was sure was an affair in the making... now 4 months later, after much continued mistrust on my part, convinced they were disrespecting me, those two are still just friends... at least that is my hope... my worst fear is that i've pushed her into that other woman's arms! i keep working at not torturing myself, thinking the worst, imagining them together... i feel sick to my stomach, nauseaus, dizzy... now i have to do i want to do what i couldn't didn't know how to do 4 months ago. i want to trust. i want to have faith in our love. i want to believe even in the worst case scenario that our love will bring her back to me. i've apologized, written her poetry... and i want to surrender accept i've lost her. she says she doesn't trust me anymore. i'm coming to her with conviction and clarity and she needs to see me consistent for a long time. i'm paying through my heart, mind and soul for my fearful rage. i kept quiet the first half of our love. i made up for it the 2nd half. keeping quiet is something i'd done all my life. being angry, expressing it is something i've needed to do. i see now that i did so destructively. i see now other ways i could have managed my feelings. i feel humbled. i feel shocked at my behavior. i feel ashamed. i feel sorrow agony that with all my knowledge and all my self-awareness and all my consciousness and all my love for her, i am in agonizing pain over what i've done, over having lost her... today i've lost her. one minute at a time is even overwhelming.
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