It has been 2 years since she broke up with me. I try to avoid thinking about the past and I try to avoid fantacizing about getting back together. I want to control my thoughts and turn them into positives. But saying to myself, "I am over K" seems like a lie at this point. I not only lost the woman I love, but lost her as a friend too. And lost a number of other people as well, like her family. We both wanted to be friends and spent $175 each on one couples counselor in order to help us transition into friendship. unfortunately the counselor spent more time focussed on our relationship and i said things that probably hurt my ex. i did apologize for saying these things and she thanked me and said she appreciated it. aside from that she has shut me out, apologizing for nothing on her side or saying anything other than she has moved on and thinks it's better we don't get back together to risk the pain (this was a year ago). A year ago, I hung out with her in public while she worked. she was nice and seemed to welcome me. but on facebook, she does not interact with me (one time only she made a comment on a political link i posted). i feel shut out. it might be healthier not to be friends. i imagine seeing her and crying. i even imagined seeing her and started hyperventilating! i tell myself my feelings are okay, that it takes time, and it will be fine even if i end up seeing her and throwing up or breaking down or passing out or whatever. if i think of her for one second, just her name, i imagine falling to the ground on my knees and crying painfully. i don't want to write her (she won't respond) and it now feels ridiculous to write, especially with no response. someone said to tell her i love her if i see her. that also seems foolish. i am not afraid of more pain but it seems very unrealistic. why does it feel that i am more in pain now than ever before? does this mean i am closer to healing completely? i would try to stop thinking about her, let thoughts of her pass like clouds, but should I? or would i better to feel what i feel rather than stuff feelings and emotions down? but my thoughts create these feelings. so my question is, how do i change my thoughts while honoring myself at the same time in the best way? argh.
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