I don't even know if I can write right now, but I need help cause I"m all alone. My wife writes on here alot, well she used to and I was just reading all her old posts. 2 Weeks ago she left me. She said she was tired of feeling hurt and unhappy and wanted a change. I know most of it has to do with me...I'm reading her old posts and wailing. I love her more than anything in the world and I dont know how I was so stupid. I know I was steroids for 3 years and they really messed up my head and I haven't been on them for almost a month now so I'm back to the great old me, but she's gone and i can't bear it. I haven't really eaten in two weeks, i've lost 15 lbs, my crohns is acting up, i'm not sleeping, i have a headache that wont' go away and i would sell my soul to satan for a second chance, but she doesn't want it. she says our marriage can be fixed but she doesn't want to try cause i hurt her so much and she can't trust i won't again...and for once in a long time, I UNDERSTAND, so I let her go, I dont' bother her, i only really talk to her when she addresses me, and I sincerely hope she's happy in her new life, but I can't cope with mine. Because I'm not the same person off the drugs that I am on them, and part of me wants to start taking them again so this all doesn't hurt so bad, because my theory is maybe i'll become that monster again and not really feel or something, I dont know, I'm so desperate. We were married for 7 years, we were about to move to nyc, we were trying to have a baby, and then just like that, she got too tired. I've been the worse wife and the worst person all around in the past year and i would do anything to undo it but i can't, but i'm not that person now, i wasn't that person before. i used to be such a fucking idiot, I want you all to know that, because it's true, I used to be so dense, out of touch, full of myself whether I realized it or not, and I always thought I was right and had all the answers, I took everything that actually meant anything to me for granted, I made every mistake you should make if you want to lose everything you have, and now that I am myself again, that life has shaken me to my core I am literally sick with disgust, regret, loss, and hate for myself on a level I never knew possible...
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