ok a toughie but here's my views .people have affairs because something is missing in their relationship that they can find with someone else.there can be alot of reasons,feeling of being taken for granted,lack of sexual excitment,etc etc.
so just saying your partner looks good,or saying you love her more often etc saying thankyou to her if she's done something even if it's the washing up.
ok i admit our relationship has problems but affairs are dangerous liasons,stressful etc.when i was first seeing my g/f i was married to my husband the fear of being found out was frightening.worrying if we was seen out in public .and not forgetting all the lies i had to tell.
i have also been cheated on so i know what both sides of the coin are like.betrayal is the worst feeling,you wonder what you did wrong to them to do it.
i am living in fear at the moment because i suffer from a depressive illness and my g/f has said she don't know how to help me,i fear if she meets someone else who is full of fun and laughs i will lose her.
also she might think "hey i'd rather spend time with someone who makes me laugh than someone who is miserable most of the time"
like i said this is just my views.

hi my partner of 3 yrs left me 1mth ago to live with her old college tutor, who she meet up with 2mths ago and started an affair pretty much straight away. the paint is awful so i would never do it to any1 and would hope that it does not happen o me again

I can certainly understand both sides of the spectrum but...idk...perhaps it's because i'm innocent in this and I only see things in black or white but i really think that it's wrong. and that as hard as it is to communicate, out of respect for the other individual, you need to let them know. the hurt is unnavoidable but the healing will be much better off when the wound is less severe.

I agree with all of you and I would never disrespect the person you with.
but I am in a awful dilema and not sure what to do.
I have a new g/friend who lives 500 miles apart. she is the most wonderful girl you could ever met. The sex is great and she makes me laugh but....
I dont get that excitement when I see her, where you stomach is doing summersaults.
Is it the fact that I have been terrible hurt by my first love?
so I dont understand whats missing?
Here I am in a very good position and I dont know what I want or who?

I know if I let her go I will miss her terrible but for all the wrong selfish reasons.

what do i do now?

The sex is great and she makes me laugh but....
I dont get that excitement when I see her,

Your words would make me think, she's a great girl that you're not in love with. Just because she's great doesn't mean she's the one.

Affairs - terrible, dangerous, damaging, life altering. Everyone has to define what constitutes an affair in their relationship though. I know most on here don't appreciate this viewpoint but many people are very successful at keeping open relationships. We don't have to follow the hetero norm of 1 person only. Sometimes one person doesn't fulfill all our needs. No, my partner and I do not have an open relationship but neither of us have a need for one either. I'm not advocating an open relationship in your situation - just stating that "affair" needs to be defined in your individual love contract. However, again, it would seem you may care a great deal for the girl, but aren't in love with her. Otherwise, you would have those butterflies... Just my humble opinion, of course.

tell me could you learn to love someone without the butterflies???

tinytigger,

As for the "butterflies"? Well, every person we can be invlevd with? is not going to be the same as some ex from our past. Not everyone is a kinded spirit type soul-mate. Just because you dont get butterflies? Doesn't mean the woman isnt a good choice on some levels. For me, its the older i get? the less I expected or "needed" to have that angst and drama romance blood pounding movie type of romance! Don't get me wrong! that is exciting! been there done that... a few times in my life! Love affairs don't always make the best or healthiest long term partnerships and/or marriages though. Lesbians tend to have affairs for the same reasons any person might be they hetro, bi, lesbian etc. Human beinsg "think or hope" theings will be different with someone else! Sometimes they can be or are! but we take ourselves with us....if we have changes we need to make issues we need to heal. those things will show up w/new folks at some point too. & At tiems, it seems easier to start over! than to stay in & hang in there and do the same old stuff....with KNOWN results! Takes work, honesty, risks, willigness, etc, we all KNOW it can be HARD WORK!! Security, friendship, companionship, the ability to communicate, to feel treasured, Trust, honesty, stabilty.....all these mean more to me today than the intense romance & like actual "butterflies" short lived honeymoons...(beautiful, elusive & can't keep them!)

dont know if i helped much! my brain is still a bit foggy w/new meds!

Namaste, Jess

I think you hit the nail on the head to a certain extent and as much as i hate to admit this to anyone, i am still hurting over the ex. Not as much anymore but then i havent got closure yet as we cant have the civil partnership disolved until aug 08.

The new g/friend is wonderful, honest genuine and kind. But I just cant let anyone get that close. I dont want to ever be hurt like that again. I lost everything that I trusted and knew and maybe in hinsight took for granted too.
I also lost friends who I thought would never take sides with what went wrong as I never asked them too choose between us.
I know affairs are deadly and destructive but isnt that just the way of the world ?
It seems that if you are decietful and a lier you get everything but if your genuine and honest you get walked over....

the worst thing is when u suspect they are having an affair and your called paranoid.then worse then that is when they blame you for wanting to leave but not saying the real reason.

hey all,

I think i was responding to tinytigger's part of her post when she said "can she learn to love w/out the butterflies? I guess i also adressed the affair idea. I was reading on a website today that seemed rather insightful re: affairs.Even though it was addressing hetrosexual unions.

Btw, I don't always believe that folks have affairs cuz something is "missing" from partnerships. Sometimes, its more that the person likes the secrecy and excitement, drama and some are addicted to that "newness drama. Also some are sex and/or love addicts looking to feed an addiction, even if they love thier partner who is wonderful.

Yet other times, people use an affair as away OUT of the relationship they are in...as a way to get caught and/or end it. Without having to process it first, with no real honesty or closure . I mean they use "something": thier partner did or didn't do as a justification why they are DONE or having an affair. I have been on both sides of this fence, neither was easy or pretty!


Jess

Affairs are NEVER RIGHT! PERIOD!

Affairs are not the answer. Don't bring someone else into your life with the false hope they are the one for you. If you are still hurting and needing time to figure it all out then take that time. Cheating is never the answer. You know how you felt when you were betrayed and I know I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Communicate. Grow. Experience. See where it leads. But, please don't go into a rebound relationship for selfish reasons. Don't rush. Take time. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.