I have been having issues with anxiety and panic attacks, especially in my dreams since the birth of my first son 10 months ago. I have been on medas, and had a heck of a time weaning off due to side effects. I am now med free. but still facing anxiety and constant worry and some time debilitating panic over my son and things I need to protect him from. Another thing is I have started to worry that my husband is cheating. we havent had the best of time with this depression and anxiety. we are having alot of stress in our lives financially and our relationship which physical contact is limited....to once or twice a month. I have no desire for this. Just I wish I did. I know hes been working late and we are both stressed. Well heres the thing. I know that we are aforever kind of couple. I have no doubt. We are like best friends. he has never given me any reason to think he would stray. he is happy being married. so insted of explaining...and trying to prove, just accept that deep down I know hes not doing any thing wrong. I know its me. I have gone to extreme measures, like checking his phone, truck, writing down numbers and places where he was and for how long to try and find a gap in his stories. I never find any thing. I smells his shirts and clothes, check his drawers. Pick thru his receipts. You name it, I obsessivly do it...Its ruining what trust we do have. because he is hurt that I dont trust him. I do!! I dont know why I cant stop. I never find anything. When I investigate...hes always telling the truth. I have these scenarios that play in my head of him doing things or going thru elaborate measures to hid something from me. I start to panic. I dont feel pretty, fit , or alluring. I am imbarrased to be naked around him or even talk about somehting cuz I'm so scared that hes thinking, I'm boring or dumb or repeatitive. I no longer hold a spark for him...I question this all day every day. Let me assure you. We love each other. I have never done n e thing and he has never. When we do talk he used to reassure me...but now I think hes getting fed up with constantly having to do so. I watch him out the window sometimes...and never never has he ever lead me to suspect n e thing. theres always a small trigger like he was late coming home...and always a good and easily verifiable excuse. I never find n e thing. So what I'm saying is that I have anxiety about this....and its not really happening. Am I going crazy....sometimes its like I fear what would happen if I did find something. all I can think is saying I'kll kill myself. Even though I never would...but I'd feel that desperate to make him stay...but then again...feeling bad cuz thats the only reason why he would stay. See these are the types of thing encasing my head all day. Its debilitating really. I'm ruining our friendship. I dont know what I'm asking for. Help...?? I dunno..understanding. I know what to do....just stop. Resist the urge!!! But what if I do that and he really is hiding something and I over look it and get hurt???? or what if I never know...then thats good...but then it would have still happened.
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