This is my first post, so i'm not even exactly sure where to start. I guess i'll just start from the beginning, and this may take a while so please bare with me. My very first real relationship was with a man i lost my virginity to and fathered two of my 5 children. He was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. He did nothing but cheat on me my whole relationship and in turn tell me that i was ugly and no other man would want me. That relationship ended as he left state and abandoned us. From there, every relationship i've been in, the men have all been the same minus the physical abuse. They've all instilled in me that i was worthless, fat, ugly and didn't compare to other women out there. Each relationship i could never keep them from cheating which would continue to completely destroy yet another part of me. I'm currently in a relationship that is identical to my very first partner. My boyfriend is into porn, the bikini coffee shops, etc. He's basically told me that the porn he watches isn't belittling to me, and that he doesn't compare me to them but that it's just a release when he's too tired to have sex. He has cheated on me, though he won't admit it. But i'm still here. I overlook it, and try to make myself believe he won't do it again and that it's all in my head. I think everything is tempting. The tv shows and commercials that have no absolute point but to show hot women. The radio that constantly advertises strippers, the lingerie shows, strip clubs etc. And even out in public, seeing him eyeing other pretty women...it drives me insane! I'm constantly comparing myself to other women, and only making myself feel worse about who i am and what i look like. I feel as though, the jealousy that was instilled long ago, has caused major insecurities within myself and that i'll never be able to get over it. I want to be able to trust again, and know that i'm a beautiful woman with a great heart and don't deserve anything less, but how do i achieve that when being compared and cheated on is all i've known? How do i know for fact that what i'm seeing is the truth and not an overreaction because of my jealousy? Anyway, i'm sure i've rambled on long enough. If anyone has any advice, i'd love to hear it! Thank you for your time.
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