i had the same situation but he is a muslim and i am a mexican coverted to islam too... but that wasnt enough for them.. he had to go back to israel because his brother got sick and after that he told them he wanted to marry me and his parents took his passpports away form him for 1 year untio he had to steal them basically run away to come back to the states.. to make this story short obviously they got mad and right now we are working on the forgiveness thing after almost one year.. is not easy but i know they will try to do anything to make you go back including blaming you if they get sick.. they will accept it eventually because all they want at the end is your happiness.. let me know if you want to talk..

Did your family accept your decision?

Both of our parents don't know about our relationship...but his parents are much more accepting people and will (hopefully) be okay with our decision to get married...especially since I recently converted (out of my own will and love for Islam...he told me that I didn't have to convert).
He's very very supportive...he stuck around even after I screwed up in May....which tells me I don't have to worry about our relationship....just my own lack of strength to ignore my parents!

I don't know if I should change my number after I tell them what I'm doing...or take away my voice mail (cause the last time they made me crazy and it was horrible hearing my mother sob as she left me messages begging me to come home)...or if I should just suffer the consequences and not make it look like i'm cutting of ties with them...

The last thing I want is to cut off ties with my family --- but I know that it's going to happen cause my dad has warned me that if I "do whatever I want to do" he'll "wash his hands of me" and he will "no longer be in my life."

Didi,

Please try to remember what you have already accomplished. Hold on to that with ALL the tenacity you can muster. You are an educated, self-sufficient woman, who is capable of taking care of herself. That is no small accomplishment.

Honor yourself, and in doing so identify that which does not honor you. It is not a selfish weakness to take care of yourself and follow your freedom. Do nothing unwillingly or reluctantly, but don't confuse that with doing something fearfully... it's not realistic to expect your fears to disappear, and as you take any steps to free yourself you will find yourself dogged by all kinds of concerns and rationalizations. But don't give into them. I find this to be the greatest Achilles heel of so many women I know... the ability to rationalize themselves into staying in bad/abusive/painful situations, whereas a man in the same place would immediately take action to protect what is his.

I would stop worrying about your parents' health. You are never and have never been responsible for their well-being; that is ultimately each individual's concern. If they choose to work themselves up into a frothing frenzy over you, that is their decision. I don't intend that to sound pitiless... but true compassion first begins with yourself, and if your parents can't respect that for themselves, they will be even less likely to do so for you.

If you have to, change your number, drop your voicemail, and remove yourself as much as possible from your mother's emotional arm-twisting. You can see your father's abuse as clear as day but you're right to perceive that your mother plays a role in this as well. The fact that they are directly affecting your professional life should be a sign to you that this course of action does NOT have your best interests at heart.

I don't say all this to encourage you to rush headlong into another coercive situation... but I really think you should take some time for yourself, and make that extremely clear to your parents, even your boyfriend. Once you find that something is not working, take some space for yourself to discover what WILL work for you. This will upset them more than anything else, when they see you raise your head and show that you can think and act for yourself... but if you can do that much, it will be a new start for the rest of your life, which you can create for yourself.

Thank you angray for your response...it brought tears to my eyes...I'm just worried because I've been through this once before and I completely failed...thank God my bf is supportive and still stuck by me.

I'll be living on my own...he (my bf) thinks I need some independence before we get married...I'm scared but I agree.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over 5 years now...and the past few years have been all about me leaving...my dr has built me up and tried his hardest to make me understand that my parents health is not in my hands...and, since converting to Islam (and actually following a religion...I didn't really follow Hinduism), I have a lot more faith in God and that He will take care of me and those around me.

It's just a horrible feeling...to be turning 26 in a couple of months...yet to have no freedom...to live in such a beautiful and free country where I can 'do anything' -- yet not have any freedom to do anything...

My cousins have basically backed out on me...they suppport me behind closed doors...I learned this the first time I left home and did not hear from them or my own sister until they found out I was back home....

I'm really glad I found this site...Janethm and Angray you are the first two people I've heard from and I feel like I have someone supporting me already (otehr than my bf of course)...

I'm glad I found this site too. I think Indian women (wherever we have settled) are some of the most isolated populations among all mankind, and our culture keeps us from reaching out for support from other women. Divide and conquer at its finest... so every time I see another South Asian female tell her story, I am incredibly moved and encouraged myself... there seems to be a conception among us (well really the older generations, but we are infected with it too) that admitting our problems to ourselves and revealing them to others, and seeking guidance or help, is tantamount to confessing that one is completely an inferior human being. And it's just not true... because nobody is perfect, and everyone deserves to have the opportunity to grow.

I read your post on darkbluedevil's "Indian parents" thread too, and it really got to me. I don't want you to take this the wrong way but that is exactly the situation I am so afraid of ending up in myself. A few years older, unmarried and in love with a secret someone, and imprisoned in my parents' home.

I'm moving across the country in three weeks to stay temporarily with my maternal uncle, to stabilize myself and my life in the upcoming year. I won't lie about it... I am getting the hell away from my parents. I am getting my life together!!! There are some things that there is simply NO quick fix for, like my relationship with my parents, and this has been the most difficult, ridiculously painful lesson for me.

I am naturally headstrong and argumentative, an abstract and idealistic thinker, and I find it hard to understand sometimes how people might disagree with me when it comes to matters like my life, my freedom, and my dreams. I find it hard to even understand how anyone else COULD disagree with me - is my life something they have any judgment on, to where their agreement even matters? But the truth is there are people like that everywhere, even within the walls of my own home... horrifying thought...

I am however trying to learn to appreciate my parents, not so much their viewpoints. When I find that I have instinctive and deep rejection of their ideas I have to listen to that feeling. Gotta say it's hard to remember every time my dad is acting like a dick to my mom, or me, yelling/pouting/muttering under his breath and generally acting like a baby. (I know he thinks he's perfect, because my boyfriend once accused me of the same thing, and I was shocked. Then I realized it was true, and then I realized I got that from my dad. So I stopped believing that immediately.) And every time my mom acts like a weak helpless suffering woman who can't escape from whatever is upsetting her at the moment.... ARGH. I still love them though!! It kills me.

Anyway. I really believe in that Christian sensibility about hating the sin, not the sinner... my boyfriend has helped me in a thousand million ways (I will be eternally grateful for him) to see the ways in which I was reacting to situations like my parents would, and as soon as I saw that, I was devastated. And then I decided to hell with that... I don't want to act or think, even subconsciously, in such a manner. I want to be mindful and conscious, to walk my path at all times. To never, ever give in to the zombie-dom of so many people in my community... who pride themselves on such irrelevant matters like birth, religion, language, income, status, family, and all other kinds of bs... and just quit thinking at some point along the way. And yet we South Asians have a reputation for being CLEVER!!!

sorry for the rant... but i struggle with this every damn day. raises my hackles and makes me want to go on a stampede.

I just want to add this because it is important... your boyfriend does seem to have the right idea in mind. He wants an independent, self-assured woman, and he is encouraging those qualities in you by asking you to have some independence before you get married.

This is the same situation a girl I know was in. She's not Indian, but her boyfriend is. After high school, she never moved out, she never learned to drive or got a car, and she didn't finish college. Her parents just didn't really care about having an independent child, and didn't encourage her. But he did - he said that if she didn't move out, get a car, and finish college, he'd break up with her. So she did all that, and seriously that was an incredible thing to see. And her parents when the saw the change happening were at first very unhelpful, but they eventually realized that it is no longer a world (at least here in America) in which it is acceptable to have weak, dependent women attached to you. They got the reality check in this country... not every immigrant family does by any means. But the fact remains that this girl changed, and she's better off for it. She has made a place for herself in the society she knows best, which is THIS one, not the fantasy one of her parents', or her land of origin.

Your boyfriend wants you to prove that you are what he sees in you, what you see in yourself too. It's a loving challenge, but a challenge nevertheless. The gauntlet has been thrown down.... I am facing one myself, and it's pretty awful at times to find my way to my independence, but I'm making progress. I am completely certain of my boyfriend, and I know he is a good man, a worthy companion with whom I can grow.

And you should definitely clarify the parental situation on his end. Find out what your boyfriend thinks about his family, and see if you can figure out if they can be a resource for you, and if they are trustworthy enough for that.

My boyfriend's parents are the nicest people I've ever met or heard of. They don't know about our relationship, but he doesn't want them to get too involved or effected by our craziness (which I think is fair...I think I've negatively effected my bf enough with my drama). As I said, though, they're very understanding and I have met them before..when we were younger..I used to call his house and his mother would talk to me for 1/2 an hour before she'd pass the phone on to him...which makes me feel better about everything - knowing she once liked me...I hope she'll still feel the same!

My only concern is what they'll think of me after finding out I've basically ran away from home. I mean, I'll explain my situation and I hope they'll understand...but they are parents and they do have 2 daughters so it might not look so good on my part.

I guess I just have to wait and see what happens there. My bf has ensured me that if his parents disagree with our decision, he'll leave them and we'll just move elsewhere. He's also assured me that the likelihood of that happening is zero to none.

Mashallah zahra you are very lucky to have found a partner that wants a strong healthy women to face the future with.
Im sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing and I appauld your loyalty to you parents, however there comes a point in every adults life when we must identify the relationships in our lives that are healthy and those that are unhealthy. (this is a journey I am still on myself)
The fact that you are being held against your will and prevented from attending work is very disturbing & worrying.

Explore your own independence and try to realise that we cannot change other people only our reactions to those people.
I wish you all the luck and inshallah you will find your peace.

I am Hindu Punjabi and went through the exact same thing - down to being under house arrest and being told to quit my job. You really need to stop thinking that if your parents get ill, it's your fault. If they get ill, it's because they have done it to themselves by worrying so much about what people think. My parents have eventually come round and we are now slowly building up a relationship with them but my husband is white and we both know that having a white husband is probably not seen as bad as having a muslim husband - particularly if you have converted. The only other person I know who married a muslim did not convert and that went some way towards helping her parents accept the situation. They saw that she was being taken care of and was not being forced to change who she was. My parents have been the same - they have started to be much better about my choices because they have spent time with my husband and saw how he looked after me when I got sick, and when I broke my ankle, and they speak to his parents and hear about how often they come to see us and help out with the housework and shopping. As a parent, it is very difficult to ignore it when some-one makes your child happy and takes care of them.

I think they will find it hard that you have converted so I would not really mention this to them yet. I think you can probably do it one of 2 ways - rip off the band aid in one go i.e. tell them everything and do it all at once, or do everything much slower. I went with number 2.

You could tell your parents you are looking for another job - a bit further from home, too far too commute. It needs to be a job that's too good to turn down, and say you will commute but need to stay at a B&B 2 to 3 nights a week. Eventually it can become too hard to travel and you can rent/buy a place nearby and come home regularly.

To stop your parents getting suspicious, you would need them to think that you are happy with the arranged marriage route but that you're not ready to get married yet and that you want your own place - some-one from India is not going to be able to come over and buy a house. You have a legitimate reason to do it.

You will get some independence and buy yourself some time. Not sure how much use this is to you but if you would like me to discuss with you in more detail, please email me directly rather than posting a reply.

It is a very difficult position to be in and I think you will be very hurt by what is about to happen and how your parents react. I ended up on anti-depressants and unable to work for a while. It was much harder than I thought. I am not saying this to scare you, I just think you should know the truth.

All the best...

Omoalsa, thank you for your supportive response..

I agree that if I am lucky for anything, it is for the man I have found and chose to spend my life with. He's extremely supportive and has proven to me time and again that the decisions he makes (whether I like them at the time or not) are always for my best -- he looks out for me before he looks out for himself..which is something I'm not used to with my parents.

With regards to healthy/unhealthy relationships: I compeltely agree..and have been told numerous times by almost everyone I know that the realtionship I have with my parents/brother is not healthy for me. As I mentioned, I have been seeing a psychiatrist for at least 5 years now - I was initially put in antidepressants though I am against taking medications so I've tried my best to learn how to handle my emotions on my own..
My two doctors have told me that if I don't get out of this situation (if I don't leave home) they don't know if I'll live...literally. When I was younger I was stupid enough to try and hurt myself by taking a small handful of Tylenol Extra Strength tablets...and, although I would never do that again, my drs foresee a very unhappy future if I act like an obedient, compliant daughter in terms of who I marry and spend my life with.

InshAllah Omoalsa we will all find true happiness...and those that hurt us, intentionally or not, will come to their senses and realize that they should be happy because we are -- and not because society is satisfied with the decisions we've made.

I went to see my psychiatrist this afternoon...he basically told me I have to do what I have to do and I have no other choice...especially now since my parents have sent in my passport to get my Indian visa done...and they want us (me and my dad only..) to be in India by the 3rd week of Feb...

He told me to change my number, if I don't think I'll be able to ignore their voice messages and text messages and their incessant calling..

He's right...I'm scared...but he's right...just like my bf and all of my friends and anyone I've spoken to has been right.

I wonder if it doesn't have to be so hard...maybe I'll just get over running away from them after a few days or weeks...

If you have committed yourself to a course of action, don't waver. This is actually really serious. The 3rd week of February is coming up really, really fast, and your parents might keep pushing it even earlier if they could. I know you said a week from Thursday, but that might be too late. Have they already bought tickets? Why isn't your mom joining you?

Didi if you don't push through this situation now, you won't get another opportunity like this one. Circumstances will be different and much more complicated, and in India you will have little elbow room. There won't be any real laws or enforcers to help you in that situation to claim your rights... there are no social repercussions to forcing you into an arranged marriage, because nobody will see it like that. They'll see it as the right and proper thing to do.

If you can, talk to your boyfriend's parents as soon as possible. Accept your boyfriend's reassurances, and don't worry about what they'll think about you. Even if they do judge you, don't let it get to you. They don't have to like you, and that is something that shouldn't bring you down.

I remember you wrote that a mother is supposed to be your best friend... but it's just not a realistic expectation. It's not realistic to EXPECT people to treat you right, or love you the way they should... that may be what the relationship demands but if they won't be that for you, then you can't let it hold you back. Same with your boyfriend's parents. They don't sound like they'll think lowly of you at all, and I suggest you make contact with them as soon as possible if it's important to you. Having them there with you in the move-out process will help you a lot. And the longer you go on conceding to your parents about this trip, the harder it will be to make the right moves.

Get your boyfriend's help in this! Don't worry about the negative effects you've had on him or anything... he's still there for you and he loves you. He WANTS to help you through this. Come up with a plan and let him help you in executing it.

I know you can see the situation for what it is - a very critical point for YOU. And nobody else. You are going to have to think first of yourself, and what this might mean for you...

All the best, my dear... take care, plan well.

angray you seem to have the right words every time you speak. You're very articulate, and I think it's amazing how your words make me feel like I've got a good friend helping me out through this.

Unfortunately my bf will not tell his parents until mine leave me alone. Though he has reassured me he'll be there regardless of what happens...and I completely trust him.

You're right in that I have to do this asap...the tickets have not been booked, my dad is waiting for me to 'hear from my manager' as to when my vacation can start. I'm praying I can hold them off of me for a week...it's really scary -- both ways. If I end up in India, I might as well just shut my mouth, smile, nod my head and let them do all their indian rituals on me as they marry me off.

It is going to be so difficult to move out...but I'm trying not to think of it that way. I have a small support group that will be there for me..and I'm lucky to have found daily strength and members like you who reassure me that what I am doing is right and necessary.

I'm trying my best to think with my head and not let my natural, biological, emotions towards my parents hold me back.

Zahara, I know that this is hugely difficult for you but the alternative is to find yourself in India in less than 2 weeks time, married to someone who you do not know, you do not like, this person is from a different cultural surrounding than you, he will be used to a very different kind of women to the intellegent and enlightened woman you are.
Bear in mind you will be expected to sumbit to the will of this husband in the same way you are expected to be submissive to the will of your parents, you will be forced to abandon your religious beliefs (islam) and you will be in a country without resourses help or back up.
This may seem very obvious to you but you will also be expected to have sex with this stranger...... Do not think that this will not happen, the visas are in place and the tickets may already be booked unbeknownst to you. You must follow your course of action. You must leave, you are a kind, sweet caring an intellegent girl.
This is no longer the time for indecision or hesitation. God luck and please keep in close contact, we will all be waiting to hear from you.
Inshallah god will give you guidance.

I would like to ask everyone who reads this post to PLEASE PRAY FOR ME...

I was in a car accident yesterday, Alhamdulillah I survived..my car is a write off but that's the least of my problems:

My parents are using my accident as an excuse for me to be home from work...they are saying I will stay home until I'm granted vacation in the next week or two...and be on our way...

Although I am not strong enough to call the police - I just might.

It's been one day...I'm going to try to play the "let me go to work and act sick and come home early" card...where I obviously just leave and not return.

Please Please everyone...I need your prayers....I put myself into a horrible position....it's my own fault for not leaving sooner....now I'm so afraid...soo afraid...

Please think of me when you pray...God is the only one who can save me ... I just need one opportunity to be alone...anywhere...and I'll run...