Song,I have asked myself that a million times. I am still here after 28 months.

I stayed because:
I was in shock and could not make a decision.
Then he quit drinking and started to make significant changes.
Then as I came out of the fog, I realized I still loved him and I thought that my love for him would die.
I wanted to be with him to yell and scream and tell him how I felt.
He became accountable and has been where he has said he is for over two years.
He HAD NOT DONE IT BEFORE.
I needed more time to tell him how I felt.
I began to see remorse, after a long time.
I began to realize that I was not going to just STOP loving him and would have to leave while still in love.
I have never loved someone like this before and did not know how to deal with it.
I began to hope that the changes were real.
We began to communicate honestly.
I began to BELIEVE that he is changing.

I do not believe that he is trustworty. No one capable of causing such pain and being oblivious or intentional about it is trustworty. If you do not love your husband, even if only RIGHT NOW, I suggest you leave and find someone else.
Problem is, I NEVER in a million years would have believed that my husband would be a cheater. he WAS MY SOMEONE ELSE.

You need to ask yourself.. do you truely love him? If you stay is it because you want to be with him, or is it for the kids or out of fear of being on your own?

Children are not a good reason to stay in a bad situation.. think about the damage that can do.. they see you fighting, they see him cheating. Do you really want your kids growing up thinking that cheating on your spouse is normal and acceptable?

A month after I left, my ex asked me to give him another chance.. I did for 3 reasons... #1 I was afraid of the unknown, and being alone... #2 I thought I still loved him, and he loved me... #3 i believed him when he told me he was sorry for cheating(what he was truely sorry about was getting caught)

Do I think a cheater can ever change??? NO!! The only thing they will change is how many more lies they can tell to get away with it the next time.

At times I think I stay because I am scared. Scared of being lonely, scared of never being loved again. Who wants me and two kids? Other times I think I stay for the kids. My therapist told me not to make an immediate decision. I still question myself. I always said that I could never be with someone who cheated on me. Kids made it a difficult decision for me. Good luck.

I dont know what kept me here, when I first found out, I think like Nave said I was in shock, he has always been such a great H, this was his only infraction. He was remorseful right away and took all the steps needed to win my faith in him again. We love each other and are best friends, so I dont think we could just let go. I will always remember what he did, I might get mad or sad sometime, but as long as he is good to me and I KNOW he isnt doing it again, I will be here. You have to decide if you still love him and if he is willing to be a support system and a open book. Good luck, write me if you need to talk.

My #1 is the kids. They have no clue he cheated and love him. We don't fight in front of them. They think everything is just fine. However, the strain of keeping up the happy front is getting to me. I had a great Dad and was very close to him, so it is very hard for me to deny my children first hand access to their father day-in-day-out. I know he will still be a good Dad if he lives somewhere else, but there is just no way the children will not be sad and affected deeply if I kick him out.

My #2 reason is I truly felt this man was my soulmate when I married him and made those damn wedding vows that apparantly meant jacksh*t to him. I still can't imagine myself with any other person, but I am starting to feel being alone would be better if he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him.

I don't know your husband's heart, but I can tell you that some people just cheat. Not because of who they are with but because there is something in them that is lacking. You think that if they loved you enough, they wouldn't. But it is their issue. So, when they say, oh it had nothing to do with you, I love you, blah..
It has everything in the world to do with you. If he can't see that then he has no idea what loving a person is really about. If you can, try to work it out. But only if you love him and have a forgiving heart. It will never go away, it's what you do with it and how you manage it. If you can't do it....DON'T.

We all have our own stories and reasons, but utimately we follow our hearts. I never thought I would put up with someone cheating on me, but here I am, now that I know that everyone has their own circumstances and reasons. I KNOW I my husband has one second chance, and it has been a year since we have been back together and will still take a lot of work and for every 2 steps forward there will be an occasional step back, but as long as I have love and hope, I stay. I, personally, do not believe in staying for my children. I think children deserve parents in happy,healthy relationships whether it be with each other or on their own. Message me if you need to, there are some great books out there too, some easy reads and some great websites! Good Luck and Hugs to you, keep asking for upport when you need it! Mimi

I ask myself that very same question. WHY AM I HERE. Yes I want to be sure before I kick his butt to the curb, if that is what I want to do. I can leave anytime, in 10yrs. but if we part now is it really the right thing to do? I do love my husband but I don't like him. and the love I did have for him is not the same as it is now. Before it was a strong passionate love, now it's almost an hurt ,sad pathetic love...My husband has said he is sorry but Im just not feeling it in my heart. So still I stay. We have a 14 yr old still at home and there is no reason to stay together for him because my husband has hurt him just as much, as a matter of fact my son BEG'S me to leave his Dad. My H swears he'll never cheat again, but really who know's. I guess time will only tell and right now I'm fighting the hurt & pain, I don't need to make the choice to stay or ago, I can do that tomorrow. Good Luck.

I always said that would be the end if he cheated but here i am. I still feel it would have been easier to go as i would not be preoccupied with his whereabouts and the future. I am still confused. At first i thought leaving him was to good for him and i wanted him to suffer. Some days i think we can rekindle something and other days i hate him. I have lost trust- respect-and belief in him and its hard to envisage them returning. He is trying very hard but nothing can wipe out what he did. If he had put in a small percentage of what he gave to her to me we wouldnt be in this position.

How did you hear them on a cell phone? I don't understand that part.

You only need to stay with this man if you want to. You shouldn't do it for your children. They aren't married to him. If you aren't happy then they will not be happy long term. You need to do what is best for you. Not all relationships can make it after cheating happens. You have to make that decision.

After reading all of your replies I think that I can add some good advice.
Yes the hurt partner is in a shocked state of mind and cannot believe that this has happened. They are scared of the unknown and are confused about what to do in the future.
Children are no reason to stay. You may not have told them, but they can percieve that something is different and will start to ask questions. Then were will you be. I stayed because I love them, I stayed because I was scared, I stayed because I condone this. Hmmmm, what would you rather say.
As for once a cheater always a cheater and that we will never change, I think this is wrong. Some will and some won't. How can you tell is the harder question. As for me it has taken the realization of the hurt and devastation I have caused to bring me back to reality. So yes we can as cheaters change. It will take hard work on both parties to make it work and you must both want it with no questions asked. Otherwise all of the arguing and hatred will manifest itself later into a terrible relationship.

I forgot to add that after reading your post again, it really sounds like your husband does not want to quit or has not realized that for everyone of his actions will come a much stronger reaction from you and your children.

I totally dont know why i have stayed. I always said i wouldn't let anyone treat me this way and here i am. I love my H more then anything in this world but i just don't like him. I am hoping that we can work it out but it will take time. I think i have stayed mostly cause of the kids. Also who would want a mother of 2 with an ex husband. I am more scared to be alone then anything else. On the other hand i thought about leaving only to punish my H i know he can't live withouht the kids and that would make him hurt. I don't know i have a million thoughts about the hole thing that i still am not sure about. I am just going to give myself more time and see what happens. It will never be forgotten that is all i know.

I do not think you should base your decision to stay or not on your kids. You might give them a small factor. My parents ran into a small tiff back in 1977, not really a affair and I will not go into it, but they primarily at the time decided to stay together for us kids. Though they also made a very clear choice to not allow any of this to spill over into our lives. They protected us from it all as best they could. They are still together to this day and the reason is not us kids anymore. They learned to not only move past what had happened but found love again.

The main reason why I am not leaving is because I truly love my wife. I can forgive what she has done, I am not sure I will ever forget or completely trust her though, which will make our life harder. We have 3 kids and they have not factored into my decision yet.

I think like alot of the others said. How much time has there been? I took into consideration the length of our marriage and relationship and the good times. I do know this has been the only time for my husband in the last 14 years of our marriage. I've known him for almost 20. We are still friends, maybe not lovers at the moment but friends. His ow tried like hell to get him to leave me several times but never was able to. I have to beleive that maybe our love was stronger. Yes, he has done the most horrible thing to me, but I wonder if I don't give it a try will I always regret that I didn't. As, for all the post about being alone, single mom with 2 kids. Ladies we are in a new millineum right now. We don't need men to succeed or just get on with life. I don't want to be one, but I know many single moms that are doing just fine and even better than their awful husbands. Lastly, the issue for the kids sake. I think they do play an important role, but if your house is in a dangerously emotional state then no, quit. The kids don't deserve to be around screaming and arguing and just parents not liking each other.