I am sitting her thinking the same thing. I have dissappointed myself over and over again. I don't know why/ I know my H is a good man, he was my best friend and I have been with him since we were kids. I don't know if I truly want this marriage to work, is it the idea of what I thought we had or am I just plain scared to move on.

i have the support of my family, H says if I want out he will not fight me for anything and wants the kids and I to stay in the house so it is much easier for me to walk away than most so why am I still here?

I feel crushed and defeated and as you I am sick and tired of being the good one all the time.

It is scary to leave. And its been hell, I'm not going to lie. But I know it will get better with time. If you can't say the same then you're setting yourself up for more misery.

I have been angry at myself for the same thing, when I plainly told my H I would not tolerate it and I cant stand a liar. DD was last year and I am still in turmoil partly because of the fact being that he did this to me, I am still here living an almost seperate life in the same house with H. Not to bore you but a small example of what I am dealing with. By complete mistake the just a friend" came to my attention, I have copies of the phone bill with litrally hundreds of their texting last year. Three letters she wrote to him in response to his letters to her, evidence of him giving her money and coffee breaks.

He claims just a friend, Hmmm,, said there was no sex, she didn't have friends, he helped her because no job, yadda yadda. She was according to him suicidal. During that time I begged for conversations and finally gave up. If I asked how his day was at work I got short answers or none. I had his supper waiting on him, served it to him and at the same time unbeknownst to me they were texting back and forth in the evening. If I went to visit my family he called me to I thought see if I was ok only to find out if he had enough time to text her before I got home.

After DD I was furious to say the least. Seven months later I say nothing to him when he gets home, barely 4 sentences the whole evening. Whatever little we had prior{ he said I knew he was not much on conversation when I married him} but given the fact he could talk endlessly to OW I will not bring myself to talk now.

Since then he has made some effort to do things for me, I plainly told him I want no flowers or gifts period after DD. I have thought many times about leaving, how can I let myself down after I said many times I would not put up with a cheater or a liar? I am trying vigilently to acsess the text messages that he said were just a bunch of stupd stuff. With over 900 text messages between them I cant hardly believe it was what he says.

it's like I need proof as if I don't have enough now to see what they actually talked about. He lied the whole time, isn't that enough? But still I am looking for ways for more evidence, it's as if I look at him and know there was more but I am still here unhappy with the whole thing.

I had 100% trust in my H, at first there were issues, because I had an ex fiance that text another girl, we broke up so that was a big problem for me. Mine told me he wouldn't do that to me but 5 years later he did. I have attempted going through the phone carrier to get these messages, heard it's not possible. I think if I had the actual messages and found them to be not what he said I would persue a divorce, but for me just not having them has caused me to stay regardless of what I already have. I hate myself for it to, its like I gave in.

If we could only answer that, we could unwrap the human psyche.

People stay or leave for their own reasons. Those reasons are usually damned good.

L~

I agree with L. Stay or go the reasons are usually valid. One theory I have regarding why women stay is that we are used to putting others before ourselves. We look at the big picture and consider the well being of the family. I know that I took many issues into consideration when making the decision to stay. I would say that the well being of my children came 1st, love for my H came next, and the belief that he wouldn't do it again came third.

In the 10 months since dday I've done my fair share of flip flopping, but I'm very glad for my decision to stay. My H has really come through and makes me proud.

Wow, we are in the same boat! My dad cheated on my mom when I was 10 and she found out last April he was at it again. I said leave him! I just found out for sure my H had an A last week, and I am still here! I always said I would leave, but here I am. We have 2 young kids, one not even a year old, so I am thinking of them. It isn't just for them though, I do want us to be like we used to be. I feel mad at myself for going back on what I used to believe in.

I had also said I wouldn't stay if my H ever cheated. I'm still here. I think one answer could be that it is easy to say what we would do in any given situation until we find ourselves in it. Then all of the sudden, things are not as cut and dried as we thought they would be.

It's just like anything else I guess. Until a person has been through something, you really can't understand it.

Just do whats in your heart. Take you time in deciding, this is your life so there is no need to rush anything. Hugs!!

Gotta come back to this one. Because the affair that was the final death nell for my marriage was not the first affair.

I stayed after the first one.

Because I wanted my family together. Because I wanted my marriage to work. Because I was unprepared to leave, financially. Wrap all those up together and they all were valid as hell at the time.

The second affair? I said, 'fuck it.'

L~

Thank u for all writing back, everyone of u are right!! But i have my good day's and my Bad day's.
My bad day's r were t is all i can think of and i feel that i am no good and that i am fat. Then other days i feel great!! i feel good but that only last's 2 hours if that..
I am not putting up with it again if he doe's it again then i am gone with our kids. But i will never stop him seeing his kids that is not me.
i have put everyone's comment in to my head and i am thinking about everyone of them. xxx hugs

For me, I'd been down this path previously. My first marriage was hit by infidelity. I took the D path in that situation. It was such a tough path. So many struggles. But I came out better because of it-glad that it happened. It ended up---in the long run---being a really great turning point in my life.

Regardless---it was dark for a very long, long time. So---when it happened AGAIN in my second marriage right after having a baby (just like the first time.) So---I decided to go a different route.

Just for the record---this path, IMHO---it's way tougher...

I think most of us can say that we didn't enter marriage thinking, "If H cheats on me I'll stay and work it out." I certainly said that I would never put up with anything like that; that I deserved better! But then came 17 years of marriage, a life built together, three children, lots of great times, a deep love and deep friendship. We hit hard times and he jumped ship thinking that is what he wanted.

I think it is very easy to say what we would do when we are not in the moment. Suddenly when the moment is upon us we have a lot more to consider when making a decision like this than we thought or never thought of before. I do not think it makes anyone less of a person because they make a decision to stay when they say they never would.

It takes a strong person either way; to leave or to stay. I think it takes a lot of courage to look at the person who hurt you the most and tell them, "I love you and because I do I am going to make myself vulnerable again to you." Scares the crap out of me. I guess that is why I am in the same boat as hurt37. The ball is in my court and I just don't know what to do.

The long and short of it is, we never know WHAT the hell we are going to do about a certain situation till we are standing right there smack dab in the middle of it!! Many people have strong opinions of how they would handle a great number of things about thier marriage, the next time you have a good amount of money, the next time you get a moment alone..... It isnt that we go back on our word., if is more likely that our statement was made from ignorance of how we would indeed feel or handle things.

My ex cheated on me and my marriage went in the toilet because of it. I felt destroyed and the only thing I knew was I never wanted to EVER feel that way again!! Well then I ended up back there 10 years later. This is one of the chief reasons I didnt want anyone to know about my situation. People are always SO SURE of what they would do if they were in a situation where the other partner cheated. When in fact... very few are correct in their declaration.

There would be plenty that would tell me to leave my h. Well thank goodness I didnt ask any one's advice on this. I would have thrown away a marriage with someone I love dearly and loves me. He also happens to be a flaw human being that made some really horrible and hurtful choices. BUT was able to understand this and make it right.

I have deal breakers. They are firm. That doesnt mean if my h does them one time i am gone. However, there is a way of life that I wont live. My h is aware of this and works to make sure we dont have those in our marriage..

I have been struggling with this as well and my therapist told me to pretend (not act on) for the next week that I had made a decision to leave him. Because I am in a fragile state she stressed do not act on this a million times. I am having a hard time pretending this because emotionally I am still dealing with all the crazy stuff going on.

She said next week I will pretent that I have decided to stay and will act that way.

Because of my personality and wanting to have answers immediately she felt that my problem was that I just needed a little relief. She is so right. I need a decision to be made and this method will help be to feel that I have temporarily made a decision and give me the opportunity to see how I would feel if I thought I made the decision to leave.

However, it is just so hard to do this.