I'm not trying to insult you but are you a sex addict? When we were first married we had sex all the time. Then real life took over and we had to do things like work, raise kids, etc.. Not saying sex should be rare. Sex is healthy and it keeps us sane I think. But it's all you seem to talk about. And I'm giving you my honest opinion when I say that you have no right to use this as an excuse to have an affair. I hope this appeals to your sense of what's right. I wish you luck.

I'm not trying to be mean, but get over yourself.

My husband has always had a higher sex drive than me, but that does not mean that he has the right to an "affair" just because I don't want sex as much as he does. Sometimes you do just need to be held and cuddled. My H never does that unless its a precursor to sex. That makes me feel like the only reason he wants to touch me is because he wants sex.

Once or twice a week is fine especially if you have kids. Sometimes finding the time to be intimate is a challenge. Who can be "in the mood" with the phone ringing or kids knocking on the door.

Sometimes after working all day, I just need to unwind without anything physical. It makes me aggravated when all I want is a hug and all he wants is sex. Then this makes me want to hold out even longer.

A hug or kiss without expectation would go along way towards making me feel better. Then it wouldn't be so hard to have the intimacy without feeling pressured.

Hey-In my eyes-your lucky!! once or twice a week!!! My husband when we first married, I admit he had a very strong sexual drive-and was nothing to get it 2 or 3 times in a day. But as everything, it doesn't last. The longer we are together, the less it seems to get. It, little by little, has dwindled! Now after 24 years-let me put it to you this way-this week it will be 6 weeks since I got it last!!! We both are in our 50's but I didn't think it would die as it did. I still WANT it. Usually I don't hold out this long without getting angry. Once I explode, the next night I generally got it. But this has me feel he's only wanting me because he knows how upset I am. I want him to want me-because its what he wants!! Not that he feels, as though, he has to! His job is very stressful and I understand this but come on?! I would think making love would help relieve some of this stress. I hear "I'm tired". He too, feels holding me every night as we go to sleep, should have me happy. Yes, I enjoy being held as we go to sleep but sometimes I'd like some action also. After a year of me having to get mad and feeling as though he is only doing, to pacify me-I thought-lets see how long it goes?? Its been 5 1/2 weeks and still counting-and so far I have managed to remain calm about it, hoping he will show to me he wants and desires me. I'm sure you all know-when it goes this long, it doesn't take long, and I get no real enjoyment from it other than I feel a bit better. I don't know about the rest of the women here-but I literally start aching and feel as though I want to climb the walls-because I NEED it!

As I said we are in our 50's and I'm not far from the 60 mark (I'm a couple of years older then him) and I still have urges and want it. I have read where women postmenopausal loose their desire and interest in sex-I'm not one of them and find my interest has increased. I have no interest or thoughts of another man-I just wished my man could desire me more. Is there any other "older-maturer" women feel as I do? Just an interesting question.

no. Not an addict. I don't spend money on it, think about it 24/7 or go to great lengths to get it.

Real life kicking in has NOTHING to do with you (as our spouse) ignoring our needs. Quite frankly, the "I have a headache" card can only be played so many times before it becomes in insult to us.

And sorry, I don't have any kids, but everyone here works. Whethers its at a paid job or taking care of kids, we ALL work. Funny how a lot of lower sex drive people are never to tired for the things that THEY want to do.

I'm not using it as an excuse to have an affair. I won't and haven't ever cheated. I've been cheated on though so I know the pain in can cause. The reason for my post is because I can't figure out what goes on in the minds of lower sex drive people who say to their S.O, "its okay that we used to have sex a lot, but now other things are more important than you." Its called a biat and switch and it sucks.

And yes, thats all I ever talk about because thats the only problem I am having. Correct me if I'm wrong, Cathy513, but isn't this site for people who want to talk about/fix/understand their problems?

No, I don't need to get over myself. Its you who needs to get over yourself. You are selfish. Once or twice is fine? what about your husband? Needs are not quantified. They are needs because we NEED THEM! Why is this so hard for you to understand?

I dont' pressure him. I don't snuggle as a precursor to sex. I hug, touch, caress him in non-sexual ways 50 times a day. Affection is also a need of mine. But sex is too. I find it extremely selfish of my boyfriend to basically tell me that my needs Don't matter.


I don't say its an excuse to cheat. I'm NOT saying that. What I'm saying is that the REALITY of the situation is that they are needs for a reason...WE NEED THEM! And unless your mate has morals of steel, he/she is going to become vulnerable to an affair (I'm not saying that they will have one, but they WILL be vulnerable to it) Anyone who tells you different is selling you something.

I'm so angry at his lack of sexual attention I could hit something.

Look I'm basically asking for help and you people are throwing stones at me! I haven't cheated, nor do I plan to. What I'm saying is that temptation is hard enough..the last thing I need is s. frustration to add to it. Thats too heavy for me to carry. not at 25. Not without any kids.

I am asking for help. how can I tell my boyfriend that if he doesn't start considering my needs important and stop being selfish - that there are PLENTY of men who would be more than happy being with me. I cook, clean, want children, take care of my body, am well read, can carry a conversation, love dogs, the outdoors, am not materialistic, don't play head games, rarely get jealous and I am a sane and normal person. not to mention I've been told by more than one person that I'm easy on the eyes.

byathread, yep it's a site for that. I just had some questions is all. I can tell you this so maybe it will give you some insight on why he's acting this way..At least I hope it does because you seem to be truly in love with this guy. My husband was a sex addict. And no he didn't pay for it either. But he did give himself freely to others as well as pushing himself on me every chance he got. Now at the time I was raising two toddlers and working a demanding job. Truth be told? I was tired. Did that matter to him? No. I had kids hanging off me all day, would go to work in the afternoon and work until late at night. Come home and he'd be on me. If I didn't give in, he'd accuse me of cheating. Rich because he was the only cheater here. I wasn't doing the "things" I wanted to do either. I was worn out and worn down. I suspect I was depressed as well but just didn't know how to articulate that. Your mate may be depressed. I just don't know. I do know my husband became a real pain in the ass about things and honestly when he'd attack me for not having a sex drive that matched his own, it would piss me off. It was impossible to feel passion for this man when he'd not even bother to take my feelings into consideration. Maybe your mate feels you don't cut him any slack either? Maybe he's simply turned off by your actions. Maybe he even sees you as a threat to his masculinity? I just don't know. I hope you guys get it figured out and all ends well.

And in reading your last comment, I have to say maybe you should just sit him down and tell him what you've told us here. Maybe that would help things.

I have read the posts here, and I don't get it.

I read what you have said, and I can tell you that I am at the same point you are now. I think you are lucky to get it once or twice a week. Hell I am honored if I can get it once a month. Or at least every three months. I have tried to explain this to my spouse, and what I get back is basically that it is not what she wants or needs. Yet I too have wants and needs. After that discussion, every time I try to bring it up the conversation is ended abruptly. The thought of a affair crosses my mind all the time. But it is not like I am going to follow through. But I am afraid that if the opportunity were to present itself, I may make the wrong decision based on what I need.

So I do understand where you are coming from, and I understand what you are going through. An affair to me would be the wrong thing, but like I said. Should the oportunity present itself, I may not chose the right path.

As for the being a sex addict... no, you just have a high drive. Allot of people do. It just really sucks that your partner does not, nor does he understand.
I wish I had some all knowing advice. But I do not.
Good luck.

You remind me of my mate. I am in the position where I do not want to have sex as often as him and that has caused a lot of arguing and stressful days to say the least. I am not as active as I once was due to several reasons. But I dont feel that pressuring your mate is the route to go to have your needs fulfilled. Maybe try setting the mood for intimacy. A bubblebath with candles around the tub or how about an intimate dinner prepared by you and served by you naked with an apron. A little bit of spice may do the trick.

I am sorry to hear this. I would re-consider marriage with him. It sounds like he either has a much lower sex drive than you or I hate to say this is he could be gay. I have known a few people this has happened to. Watch his eyes when he you two are out and see if he cruises men or women. If he cruises men at all he is gay-if he cruises women you are safe but do not act so intersted and the tables will turn-good luck!!

Thanks guys. I have tried everything. I have tried simply not saying anything. I have tried telling him that I'M TIRED. I have tried holding him until we go to sleep without making any indication that I want more...I have tried to let him come to me.

What happens? Nothing. In fact, I hate to admit it, but I become self defeating. I get irriated that he doesn't want me. I start to feel unwanted, and taken for granted ( I do all the cooking and cleaning - the least I expect is a little huminah-huminah at night) Then i start to get resentful. I'm not good at playing games..I don't just hide my feeling and just pretend nothing is wrong. When someone asks me whats wrong, I'll tell them. I am not a "I'm fine" but really not kind of woman. I don't play head games. So I'm sure he picks up on a little hostility. I'm sure I'm not exactly making myself pleasurable to be around (or inside of)

So I become a caged tiger that hasn't been fed. I pace and pace and pace the cage waiting to be fed, and when I am thrown a piece of meat - I'll rip it apart.

How can I explain to my spouse that the reason I get cranky is because I'm not getting any. If he would put out, I would be much happier and more pleasant to be around. I'm not blaming him but hes not exactly helping the situation either.

Stress affects some men. Depression affects some men. Low self-esteem affects some men. I don't know your man. I would not jump to the conclusion that he's gay. Give me a break. It is obvious that your need for sex doesn't match his. If this is going to be frustrating to you, then it is going to be frustrating to him. To put more pressure on him is obviously not what he needs right now. If the two of you can't come to an agreement, then it probably isn't going to work. I hate to say it, but that's what it seems.

I looked back at a lot of your previous posts and I saw something about looking for threesomes in the past. Did you go through with something like that? If you did, are you all that sure that he was really into it? If he did that to satisfy your need for a threesome, then maybe he can't get past that. I don't know, just throwing some things out there. Also, did you say he cheated on you? Then, maybe he can't get that out of his head.

I'm not saying that he's right and you're wrong. I agree that he needs to try to meet your needs. But, if your needs are too great for him to meet, then there is still a problem.

I think I also saw that you were seeing a sex therapist. I know a high sex drive is not unusual. But, putting so much pressure on a man when he's obviously dealing with some other issues is not a great situation for either of you. You're going to have to be able to talk about what is really going on. Is sex the only thing to make you feel loved or attractive or wanted? Do you know why he's so stressed? There are more to needs than just what is on the surface.

Oopsshed - that was with a previous ex. I never went through it. Just cybered and talked about it. And no, he wasn't the one who cheated on me. that man is long gone. Sex is not the only way I feel loved. Sex is the only thing I'm talking about now because its the only thing I'm lacking. when I was with my ex, sex was the only thing we did. He never touched, hugged or kissed me. And that was a problem. basically I'm just now at a different side of the pendelum (sp) with this new guy.

Sex therapist is not going well. I gotta find the right one. He just kinda echos everything I say which is not what I want to pay him for.

I know it will be a problem, thats why i'm trying to understand it coming from a lower sex drived person. Its infuriating to me. I try to be patient but its wearing dangerously thin.

As a reply to SweetKiss

What if you have tried "Spicing things up"? Single rose, and a hand writeen card, bublebath with candles, and wine, nice evening out, poetry, etc...
and all I get back is "I would like to but , maybe tomorrow. Mind you I have done these things in an attempt to show her that I care, and that I want our relationship to be closer. Every time I have done these things, I have not approached her for sex, nor was I expecting anything in return. She usually tells me this before the end of the evening or after the event.