You are not weak, and of course you dont want to believe it. It is devestating. I had a gut feeling about my H affair for 7 months (the entire length of the affair) and confirmed it finally with the email from the OW to him that confirmed it all. He lied the entire time when confronted every time. Blows me away. You have every right to ask him to do whatever you need him to do to make you feel better or to relieve your pain. It is not out of the question to ask him to leave the job altogether. I wish you the best.

Hey Kat, in addition to my message, what your kids see is a great mum trying to keep her family together - someone who doesn't turn and run at the first sign of difficulty, and someone who is willing to stay and fight for what is rightfully theirs.
Sure, your kids may see you hurting and vulnerable, but I honestly think this is ok - it helps them to realize that you are not perfect and have deep feelings also.
I'm not saying you should let your H walk all over you, or let him treat you badly in front of your kids, but don't be afraid to let them see you feeling a little down and emotional at times.

You sound like such an amazing person. He shouldn't be doing this to you or the kids. I'm not going to play games here. Your weak for allowing it. Take action for you but mostly your kids. Atleast let them get the respect. Do something about this now. Before she gets pregnant and that wont be a nice story to explain to the kids would it?

Best of luck, were thinking about you.

thanks to you, all... support is great. Janete.. you certainly don't sugar coat it, do you.. but, I do know you have a point.. I need to protect my kids. Their older, which means, they understand what's going on. I just wish I could make up my mind, have a plan (as I've heard I need) and follow through. I know that's what I NEED to do.. I just need to find the strength to do it. Thanks again

Kat,
I understand you feel "weak" but that isnt really the correct word

You "love" your husband and you "love" your family. Loving DOES make one more vulnerable, imagine if YOU could risk harming your husband and kids, for an ego stroke? No problem!

Kat, thank him for his decisionb to change shifts but tell him that you see it as a temporary measure, that changing jobs, is your expectation. He must continue to look for another job, enthusiatically, if he wishes to show you that he wants to stay married after this betrayal. My husband and I lost some big accounts because he left the job where "she" lives. My husband must now work 2 jobs to catch us up. Tell him, if he resents this decision and does not continue to be generous in his attempts to pull his weight at home, then that will also be taken to mean he is less than 100% committed to this marriage.

The reason that you get so disoriented is that each time he does something that has the "appearance" that he does not want to give his all to this, you need to start from the beginning and wonder if he is sincere.

If you sense he is not sincere and it upsets you, trust that, remind yourself that you are requiring certain "amend" behavior and without it, you had already decided, you cannot go on. Amends, is more than "i am sorry" it can be action taken to repair the damage done. Sacrifices made to show you are sincere.

Each time he tries to confuse, fall just a little short of what you asked or "punish" you for requiring it, he is struggling against the limits set. This IS normal, but he will see that it is not acceptable, if you stay clear about what you need to be happy. If it requires leaving, even that does not mean you may not reconcile. It may wake him up. If not, can you really live with his behavior? Can you trust they arent finding a way to talk?

Finally, if you can live within his limits and expect less, go ahead. No condemnation here or from God, I think. Just stay clear, don't STAY confused for long, be direct and calm with him and accept the compromises you accept are the right thing for you NOW.

Good Luck

kat,
you and your actions are not the problem here. Let's keep our eye on the ball. He created the problem, and you are trying to keep your family together by coming up with a solution, and he is sabotaging you and trying to punish you for asking him to make a sincere effort along with you, to keep the family together.
You may take some time to really get it deep down that he is not going to change. You are giving him every chance. Your children will see that you really tried to make it happen, that you did not break up your family lightly, that you withstood a lot before you finally said, enough.
Letting go does not happen instantaneously. It is a big decision. You will be ready in good time. In the meanwhile, be kind to yourself.

Great! tell him to go ahead and change shifts! a little inconvenience with the kids is NOTHING compared to the inconvenience of sharing custody,maintaining two households, and paying child support! And when he changes shifts-you have every right and reason to stop by!See who else works that shift? (I'm a brat- I would even go to the boss and tell him the situation and ask that the shifts be different...but that's me.) Bring him lunch , a snack, etc. Stop in at odd times. Bring the kids.... Bring in family pictures for his desk,locker, whatever.Get someone to watch the kids so you can run over there. Find out where the other woman lives and make sure his car is not parked there. sorry,but you will have to be vigilant until you get the whole story.
And Nave's advice is great-tell him that after he changes shifts he has to actively start a job search-spend time on it every day! He can and will find something if he puts his mind to it!
Is she married? I forgot. Does her husband know? If not,why not?
About counselors-it is not professional for them to tell you what to do-their job is to listen and help you understand yourself better....So-go...it'll be fine. And in your first session you can interview the counselor to find out his or her attitudes towards infidelity,divorce, marriage...does she believe in marriage, does she think marriages can work after affairs...etc.then you might feel more comfortable continuing with that person. Good luck! Stay strong. You deserve only the best!