okay, if he didn't consider it cheating and there was nothing wrong with what he did then why did he deny it?

it's funny that once he's faced with the evidence and he knows for a fact that you know, suddenly he's completely innocent.

My husband and I were on what he called a "little break" after a fight. I went to stay at our other home for what I thought would be only a few days. I later learned that he had been connecting with the OW on an emotional level for a few weeks and the lying and hiding things like lunches, dinners and phone calls had begun. I think the "break" would not have occurred if he hadn't been connecting already with her. The fight was just an excuse.

I stayed at the other house for five months while his relationship with the OW took off even though we were still talking and staying together all the time and he was denying that anything more than a friendship was going on with her. I later learned he told the OW we were separated. Their physical relationship started the day after I went to stay at the other house. I guess she didn't feel as guilty about trying to steal my husband after he told her they were separated even though it is clear she set the wheels in motion well before I went to the other house.

Bottom line - if you are still married and you haven't told your spouse you want to see other people so that they feel free to do the same, it is cheating. If you are out in the open about the parameters of your relationship and your intentions there is no need to hide or deny what you are doing. If you are leading your spouse to believe that a reconciliation is happening, that you want to stay together or that you are even unsure you should leave other people alone.

It sounds like your husband wanted the best of both worlds. If he trully wanted out of the relationship he would have not tried to cover up anything. But in the same respect he wanted to keep you around. So...he could have wanted not to take responsibility. It would not be the first time. He was playing with a double standard. If he trully thought there was nothing to it he would have told you so that you didn't have any misconceptions. Good luck working on this problem... It seems to have festered for a few years.

i agree, if you are still married, and if both parties agree to seeing other people, then it isn't cheating... but if one party balks... then no, it is cheating.

It is all a matter of perspective:

From the perspective of the one who had the extra marital relationship ... it was NOT cheating.

From the perspective of the one that stayed loyal to the marriage ... it WAS cheating.

From the perspective of liberal society ... it was NOT cheating since you were "separated".

From the perspective of christianity ... it is adultry.

I agree with Carrol; if it wasn't wrong then why did he deny it?

It's clearly a matter of perspective... From a Biblical perspective, it's infidelity - regardless of the "separation" factor.

I do differentiate between infidelity and cheating, even though in reality it's all infidelity....and I know this is my definition... Cheating is secretly engaging in an extramarital relationship. It's a selfish relationship with the intent to deceive. Having sex with another person when you're married, if you're separated, you've told your partner you're going to date, etc. is still infidelity in the end....but it's not as bad on the "dirt bag" scale as cheating.. At least you've been honest and communicated your intentions.. I'm probably rationalizing, but I see a distinction between the two.. Make sense..?

Seperation and divorce are two completely different things. You were having marital problems and agreed to to take some time apart to fix these problems. "Hooking up" with someone else does absolutely nothing to help fix your problems and in the end just causes more. The last time I checked married is married. Seperated is still married, divorce/reconciliation pending. Divorced = free. He cheated plain and simple. If he wanted your relationship to work then he would have devoted himself whole heartedly to fixing that relationship as was intended.

Depends on the situation, I was separated also but I told him I wanted a divorce, so I dont consider him a cheater in that aspect, we were separated living different lives. However he did have an affair before I left.

until you are legally divorced, you are and were still married!