I have dealt with similar in the past. It was difficult. My well meaning mother shared it with her big mouthed friend, who worked at the local grocery store. All of the sudden I couldn't even walk into the damned grocery store without half of them giving me the "look" and asking me how I was or if I was okay. OMG it drove me insane. It amazed me how people could all of the sudden ASSume that my personal life was up for debate and that they of course knew how to live it better than I did. I ended up giving a less than popular speech to a few on how it was none of their f'ing business what I did or what happened in my life and that IF I did want their bs I'd ask for it. That was during his first affair. This second one I kept to myself for the most part. Sadly people cannot keep their mouths shut to save their lives. They feel as though all the sudden you're void of any brains and need help thinking. I wish you the very best. *hugs*

I never tell anyone anything because I dont want people second guessing what I have decided to do.
I went to work oneday, and a woman that I have worked with over the years, asked me if I was cheating on my H. She heard from a friend of my H that I was cheating on him!
I have know this woman for 20 plus years! She didnt believe it, but I had to expain it wasnt me, it was him.
I didnt even want to say that much, I didnt want to say anything!
I dont tell any aquaintances and since I have no friends... I tell no one, except my sister.
Tell your cousins...cousins wives and cousins dogs, plants, whatever... to shut the f up. They oviously need that drama in their lives ,to make theirs more interesting.

This post really struck a chord with me. Inthe beginning, after I confessed to my husband, I really felt I had no right to be picky about who knew, even if it embarrased or humliated me. Now, I wish there were certain people who didn't know - people who did not have to know - people I don't even know. But what is done is done. To anyone who is at the beginning of this painful journey I would say think long and hard about who knows - do not base it on emotions. Once the cat is out of the bag, it cannot be put back in. And the spouse and/or the cheater will have to live with everyone who knows.

And then the husband says, "Maybe you should have thought about that before you slept with another man."

For me there was (& still is) shame! I have nothing to be ashamed of he was the one who did wrong! but still I know what you mean. People who care about us and see that we have been wronged want to hate that person b/c they care about us. I can understand that but what I did is say ...........look, it's my life, my marriage and my choice to work it out. I love him and it's our business. If you hate him keep it to yourself. Respect me enough to be nice. B/c in the end it's OUR LIFE!

Keep your head up Sofdover! It can get better. Trust me. It's been over 2 yrs and it's better for me. The pain will always linger though I'm afraid. Hopefully it will continue to dull as time passes by.

Hugs!

Don't worry about other people's opinions... I told everyone because I was so certain I was getting divorced! I did file. And now, there are some people who actually avoid me because they have such strong opinions against reconciliation. But, others are very supportive.Younger people with less life experience tend to be most judgemental-they think everything is black and white ...when in reality everything is one big gray area...and marriage is a decision..so is love.... you have to decide that you will work on it..it has ups and downs through the years....so..don't worry about anyone's opinion-you have to do what feels right for you and your family...Is your husband kind to you? loving? respectful? remorseful? working on improving himself? communicating? has he learned from the affair?Then you are doing the right thing in trying to work things out.....

To avoid confusion, this is actually Lurioosi. I recall my earlier post. people knowing is just one more way for me to know that my choices affect people. just one more reminder of what I did to keep me from doing it again. That is what cheaters deserve. Sorry for assuming that I had a say in this.

When I first found out about my husband's infidelity, I was exptremely guarded about it. I told only a select few, which DID NOT include my family. Although at the time I thought for sure we'd seperate, I wanted to protect the image of my child's father. I also wanted to avoid judgement, should I decide to stay and work it out. I've since told more people, including my sisters, and althought they each have their opinions, I've mostly received encouragement. I think the bottom line is that, if your loved ones really care about you, they will be supportive of the success of your marriage. I think if a lot of negative energy is going into judging your situation, it has less to do with concern for you and more to do with their need for DRAMA!!!

My H originally did not want to work things out. So - in tears (I thought we were happily married until hours before that) I called my sister. Then my mother called one day and I broke down sobbing. Mom told all the relatives. My H is really down on me (and my family) for people knowing - but I have to say - I am glad I have a support network of people who care about me. He is very angry at me for talking - but really - if he couldn't deal with people knowing -he shouldn't have done it. Anyway - now my family is not allowed at the house, etc. While I think it is important for others to keep quiet - isn't it nice to know that these people care about you? And - they probably think so much of you that they think you are worth SO much more than that. I try to keep that in mind when someone butts in.

Fuzzybunny, why isn't your family allowed at your house? Is it just your husband's house or is your name on the Deed, too? If it's in both your names, then this is just a way for your husband to control you because he's mad you told people. He should have thought about that before!!

Thanks everyone for your candid replies. I am happy to see that some of you are able to work things out after the affair. It seems so many of these postings end up in divorce...and I was hoping not to go that route. btfy I agree some people need drama and are not a source of support. Good luck to EVERYONE!