I would suggest finding out WHY the other "doesnt want sex".

There are a lot of factors that can come into play when someone loses their sex drive. It can be medical, emotional, mental. If you truly love the other person, or are committed to the other person, I would suggest finding the reason before doing anything else.

None of the above until you find out why they don't want sex. If they were cheated on and don't want sex, BINGO.

You talk to them.

Not wanting sex is a symptom of something else.

Communication.

Open and effective.

If you were to chose any of those other options, you shouldnt be in a relationship. You are just lying to yourself.

I have learned that this happens more often than poeple might expect. I am the one who wants more in my case. I tell my spouse when I need him, but he also knows that if he really can't he can gently tell me. Sometimews when he meets my needs, I know that he is doing it more for me than for him. That used to bug me, but now I realize it is an act of unselfish love. not to be crass, but I do have an "electronic friend" I use when it has been awhile and I am going crazy. My spouse knows I have this. For those who don't really want it, though I cannot relate, I know that you must sometimes feel pressure. I would say that Violette hit the nail on the head - Communication. Hope that helps.

I am SO GLAD you brought this up. It's something I really feel guilty about in my own marriage. Hubby has a normal, healthy sex drive. He thinks it's abnormal because he wants it every day and thinks about it several times a day, but that *is* normal.

Me? I have some major obstacles in the way. (1) the meds I take really diminish my sex drive, and the ability to really enjoy it (inorgasmia). (2) I've come out of THREE relationships where there were sexual issues. The first was a transvestite sociopath. The second was a paraphile/pedophile. The third had ED and didn't want to do anything about it. Over time, you get used to going without. Go without long enough, and you get to where you hardly ever think of it - especially when you have nothing but bad associations with it. (3) Intimacy issues. Hubby and I were both badly burned by the people we trusted with our whole selves and our lives. I've been sexually abused since I was a toddler, and I find I can't look him in the eye and don't want to kiss during sex. I'm still working on letting him in.

We talk about it when we can - for as long as we can, which isn't long for either of us. I absolutely understand his drive, and more than that, I understand that he wants ME - not an image on the computer screen or some Jergens-induced vision.

As we are working through this, I have no problem giving it up once in a while even if I myself don't want it because - as you said - I love him MORE than I need to protect the parts of me that aren't working right. We've found alternatives that he enjoys almost as much that I can play a part in. (Trying not to be too graphic here.)

Finally, the single most important thing a man needs to know about (most) women that makes them VERY different is that when you lay down next to a woman, she is bringing everything you have done and said (or failed to do or say) ALL DAY to bed with her. Just being aware of that helps most men understand why most women need a slow "warming up" process. The more time he takes with me in foreplay, the better the end result for us both.

Also, it really helps to not have every touch mean, "I need sex". The best thing hubby ever did to improve my trust in him was to give me a long loving massage, then just get up and walk out while I slept. I really GOT IT that every touch did NOT mean, "I'm desperately horny. Fix me." It changed everything.

Don't know if this will help, but man, I sure appreciate you bringing it up, and I am looking forward to gaining some insight on this from others as well. :)

I thought my Dh would communicate with me about his needs. I thought he would be understanding that I was nursing. He didn't and he cheated. As soon as I finished nursing my drive came back. He needed to be patient and enjoy any sexual activity that we had. he didn't want to hear it and decided to go outside our marriage. Now he must live with that guilt and misery. If he was that unhappy, then he should of separated from me. One should find out why their desire is lacking and the other should do whatever to try to fix the problem with them.

I agree with someone else that you need to find out why your spouse no longer wants to have sex. I had this issue with my own husband for the past 6 years and up until the middle of last year he would not have sex more than one time every 2-3 months. He would give me a very hard time about it when I got to the point where I really wanted to have sex and he didn't. This made me end up cheating on him after 6 years of it. It wasn't just the lack of sex but the fact that everything else seemed so much more important than me, the fact that we would argue about little things and he would call me nasty names and just be flat out mean to me. I wanted someone in my life that wouldn't do that to me.

After I cheated on my husband he changed. He made a complete turn around and is a better person today. I regret what I did but at the same time it helped my husband to see that he wasn't the only man in the world I could be with. He knew there was a real possibility that I would leave him for someone else AND he knew deep down in his heart that I didn't just cheat in order to get a penis inside my vagina. I did it for the attention and affection from a man, something he hadn't given me in years because he was too selfish to think about me.

I forgot to say that when my husband was refusing to have sex with me for long periods of time I had to masturbate as well. I did that often. It was very frustrating to want sex with my husband, the man that I loved and was extremely attracted to and he wouldn't give it to me and would often ridicule me and put me down for wanting sex with him. He constantly made me feel guilty for wanting sex even after I hadn't had sex with him for several months at a time. It just wasn't fair. I know I was selfish to cheat on him but he was also very selfish when he didn't treat me like a wife should be treated. It goes both ways.

My husband never wants it as much as I do, so all those crass stereotypes in comedy club jokes really annoy me. His explanation is that I'm so "familiar" to him it's like I'm a family member, and it's difficult for him to feel horny toward a family member. He realizes it's screwed up to think that way, but that's the problem, and one of his justifications for having affairs. He seems to need an unknown woman to satisfy the urges rather than one he feels so close to. I am not matronly and have had other men tell me I'm sexy, so I'm not blaming myself for this. He's the one with issues. We work on them, but it's been a struggle.

I have tried to encourage him that all intimacy doesn't have to involve intercourse. As in So up So Down's example of a nice massage, we are working on just taking a fun shower together, or just some playful kissing in the movie theater to build closeness.

He refuses any sort of therapy, though. I hope we can resolve this on our own, but it hasn't been easy. I do fall back on masturbation and he knows it. I will be patient as long as he's faithful, but if he cheats again, I won't stand for it.

I have read a couple of responses from women who want sex more. Do you ever feel like some freak of nature because you don't fall into the "norm?" Sometimes I do. My husband tells me this is totally untrue, and we are really working on finding a balance. I feel for those whose husbands flatly refuse. I think I would spontaneously combust :). I used to just be freaked out by the thought of masturbation or using a "toy." I just thought it was horrible. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do - especially us women approaching forty - what is with that anyway? :) I say keep trying, keep asking. If there is no way he is ever going to change and taking care of yourself just isn't working, go to counseling alone. At least it is a place to vent. And vent here - I sure do!

pianogirl ~

Wow, that must be hard to deal with a husband that thinks of you like a family member. :-( I have often wondered if my husband got in to that rut of thinking of me as the kids mother and not be attracted to me for that reason but he always told me that wasn't the reason. He just gets tired easily and stressed from work and doesn't want sex. Have you thought about trying to dress sexier for your hubby or even dressing nice when you go out and letting him see other men flirt with you. The flirting is innocent but maybe if he sees other men are attracted to you then he will snap out of it!

Men have trouble seperating their wifes from the dirty sex whore they want. At least thats what our MC discussed with my H. Theres a struggle between viewing your wife as a pure, wonderful, beautiful thing, and the hawt dirty girl she can be.

Men feel bad for wanting to treat their wives dirty. This can lead to some serious mis-communication issues. That was one of the issues with me and Mr. V.

Once we talked about it, and realized this, oh my *blush*

Communication is the most important aspect to having great sex, good sex, hawt sex, dirty sex, making love, whatever. You communicate by talking all the time, about dishes and work and kids.

How and when do you communicate about sex?

You talk, touch, feel, listen, smell, see. Are those lines of communication open between you and your spouse?

Are you open to telling your partner what you like and dont like?

For me, I wanted to be the dirty little wife, and the wonderful loving sweet innocent wife. I can play both roles.

And I do :)

Im not professing that this is the problem with anyone else here, but it was definatly a factor with us.

Fixation, I have spent a small fortune at Victoria Secret and even bought a Tina Turner wig at Trashy Lingerie in Hollywood! I really think it is that whole Madonna/whore complex. I always thought motherhood was the noblest, most important work I could do, but for him it was definitely a turn-off, even though I keep my body fit and my clothes tight. He appreciates me as a Mom to our kids and helps as a wonderful father, so it's not that he's jealous of the kids. He's just got this mental thing that he's working to overcome about it. I see him scrunching his eyes shut during sex and sometimes it really hurts my feelings. I know he's wishing I were someone else.

I just want to hear more about Lurioosi's electronic friend!

I figured "electronic friend" would be obvious. But (I am blushing - yikes) it is a vibrator. I actually got it from a Christian web site of all things. However, I think there have to be strict guidelines. For example, it should never take the place of your partner. And I don't fantasize about other people - that would be unfaithful in my eyes. It's only a way to get through long stretches (like a week or two.) Jeff comes first, obviously. Now that I am totally embarassed I will stop.