Crossing the Line: Inappropriate Relationships
Posted Wed, Nov 28, 2007, 2:31 am PST
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Most people in relationships are well aware of the rules that govern their behavior, such as those of fidelity and monogamy. However, there are important relationship rules that are not explicitly stated, inlcuding behaviors that fall into the "crossing the line" category.

What are some common "crossing the line" crimes?

Cyber-flirting
Dirty dancing with people other than your partner
Buying other girls/guys drinks
Being too affectionate with members of the opposite sex
Commenting on the attractiveness of other men/women to your spouse
Flirting with the waiter/waitress/handyman, etc.

At one point or another, everyone engages in these activities when their spouse is looking the other way. Sometimes it can be hard to resist catching a cute guy's eye on the bus, or flirting and showing off for the pretty waitress.

While most of us never intend to take it beyond that initial flirtation, these behaviors certainly raise a few eyebrows and can cause tension in our relationships. This begs the question: when getting close to crossing the line, where is the point of no return?

I asked viewers of the Today Show this question in a recent poll, and the results were very revealing. (To take the survey about what you consider "crossing the line," go to the Today Show web site.)

Most people agreed that while all of the "crossing the line" behaviors were upsetting, only the overtly sexual behaviors were a cause for concern. For instance, 80 percent of survey respondents stated they would be concerned if their partner danced inappropriately with other people, while only 50 percent stated they would be upset if their partner commented on the attractiveness of passers-by or celebrities.

Apparently, the nuances of sexuality are not deal breakers - we don't expect our spouses to become blind to attractive people just because they are in a committed relationship. Indeed, there is nothing inherently wrong with being attracted to the McDreamys and Angelinas of this world, and most people realize that fantasy and behavior are two very different things.

However, once these daydreams cross over into reality - such as buying other women drinks, keeping a secret stash of porn, or sending secret text messages - the line has been crossed. You might not technically be cheating, but you are depriving your spouse of the emotional energy, trust, and intimacy that your relationship needs to thrive.

More importantly, routinely participating in these "crossing the line" behaviors signals a lack of respect and esteem for our loved ones. Someone who routinely instigates or participates in flirtation with the opposite sex lacks both sensitivity and consideration for their partner's feelings; this can be a red flag for their behavior in the future.

So the next time your spouse isn't looking, rather than sidle up to an attractive stranger, why not use that time to buy your one-and-only a surprise gift or bouquet of roses?