I say that I have forgiven my husband for his infidelity but I cannot really forget about it completely. What is forgiveness about? I think that it is to help me move forward with our life together, but I cannot come to a place where I can forgive and "forget" completely. Especially when we fight, I start to think of what a "jerk" he is and about what he did. He is extreemly remorseful, and ashamed. He hates himself for what he has done. So that is one reason I can forgive. When he told me he was unfaithful on and off for the first 17 years of our marriage, I was so mad that I said to him "I wish you would have told me so I could go out and have some fun myself"-- I really meant that in a way. So if I could say that and mean that, then maybe I am no better of a person than he is and I am in no place to judge. I love him so much, but don't understand why I have this feeling like I would like to know what it is like myself to "have some fun" on the side. I almost feel like now I have the "permission slip" since he did it to me, and that is SOOOO wrong. We are best friends, but also we take each other for granted and I think this is what it comes down to, and I am ashamed that I would even consider cheating on him just because he did it to me and I feel like now i have a good reason. It hurt me that he did this to me, so why would I want to hurt him? What is wrong with me? I have so many mixed feelings. One minute I say that I can forgive him, the next minute I feel like I should just take care of myself and try to make myself happy. And I was always the person that thought that only BAD people cheat on their spouse, but now I know that it isn't about being a BAD person, but about being selfish and self centered. Which is what I am afraid that I am becoming myself. I always wanted to make my husabnd happy, and now I feel like it is my turn to take care of myself, and why not? He has always "taken care of himself and put himself first" so to speak. Thanks for letting me rant here, I needed to let it out. I am confused about why I can say i forgive him but why I cannot forget......
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