Obviously your wife is on a low, or high, time in her life right now. I don't know what kind of advice I can give you, other than, if you really deep down love your wife, you won't walk out on her now.
Maybe she's having some deeper issues that she's afraid to admit to you because of you leaving her.
I know from my experience of lying to my wife about being SA, not wanting to talk about it usually means there's more to the story, embarrasment, and shame involved.
I think she's afraid that if she does the "little gestures" again, your not going to like it the way you use to.
Keep pursuing her to talk to you, about everything, not just the text messages to OM, everything going in her life, sooner or later she's going to talk to you.
Take her out to a nice dinner, just the two of you, and talk.
I've learned the hard way that communication is the best therapy.
Hope I helped in some small way.

You need to do some serious talking. Don't go down the dark path again. Get it out in the open and if someone leaves, so be it. Having it out there is much better than thinking you "know" what's going on.

You are not alone, but this conversation will take a lot of strength.

I guess I'm in pretty similar circumstances. My husband has had 3 very short term flings that I know of over the past 18 years of marriage, maybe more that I don't know about, but is now remorseful, promises never to cheat again, and wants to stay married to me. We have two children who love him and he is very devoted to them, if not me, so it makes divorce almost an impossible consideration for me right now. Still, there are many days I don't think I can stand to feel so rejected and betrayed anymore.

Are you still in marriage counseling? Perhaps you can enlist their help in getting her to communicate more to you about what you need to know.

Other couples have tried the "fish bowl" technique where you write down all your questions, and then once or twice a week she has to pull one out and answer it. If it is too painful that day, put it back in and choose another, but eventually, all will need to be answered.

Thank you all for the suggestions and support. I will keep trying to get her to open up and to re-establish meaningful communication, though it is still mostly one way at this point. It's helpful to know I'm not the only one dealing with these issues. Thanks again.

After I left my husband he finally admitted to cheating on me. I broke down hard--cried like I had never done before.I went back to my husband after a year of being apart and hearing how all he wanted was me and our daughter. I got pregnant with my second daughter the same month I went back, 7 months later (while I was very sick on bed rest) he decided to go joy riding with another girl, wrecked my blazer didn't go to work, scares the shit out of me(I even called the police so worried) then calls me at noon the next day and pretends nothig happend I called him on his shit and he fest up. I made him leave and stay in a motel for a week,packed my house and got ready to move. I decided right then that all those things to be a good wife he lost.If I wasn't making him happy by doing things like making sure he had a hot lunch at work or coffee in the morning you know those little things we all take for granted then I wasn't doing them anymore. If he wants his nice, happy house wife back then he has got to prove it to me. He lives with us and is trying really hard, but I haven't let my guard doen and probably won't for a while. I have started doing those little things again but if he starts even for a minute taking them for granted I stop. He doesn't like to talk about all the bull he has pulled over the years he says" It's in the past leave it there" and maybe I am wrong but I am a spiteful bitch and won't let him forget the pain he has csused me. Please don't take this as advice I am sure it is completely wrong but I thought you would like to know that it happens to the best of us and that this to shall pass and we will over come thank you my thoughts are with you.

Hang in there tiedyed...he's got to prove himself - to your satisfaction, not his. It's completely normal to keep your guard up...hopefully he'll open up completely so all your questions and concerns can be dealt with. I will never again trust her blindly as I used to, but maybe that's a good thing. Take care of yourself.

Our situation sound very simalure. My H just won't talk, he has always been a very cold person. I am considering telling him either he goes to counciling or move out, I just can't take it anymore. He says he loves me and wants us to be happy but his actions tell me different.

Justme...my W would probably say the same thing about me, but it's funny how I'm the one initiating the conversations and trying not only to find out why but what I can do to improve her satisfaction with our relationship. At this point, I'm not willing to just 'settle' for what we have...I will NOT be here 10 yrs from now hating each other. Life's too short. Bless you.

As the cheater in my situation (and also a female) I think your wife needs to change her behavior. She is not respecting you. SHE was the one that did something wrong by cheating, not you. She needs to work her arse off every day to make that up to you and prove to you that she is being true to you. It doesn't sound like she is trying very hard to me.

Do you have a way to check up on her and find out if she might still be cheating on you?

Hi Fix...I hear ya but what can I do? We work different shifts, so she's usually asleep when I'm home. I believe she feels justified in what she did and can't understand why I don't just 'get over it.' It may be time to tell her either we talk and get counseling or it's over. She has email at work so could be doing something, but I've already decided no more checking up on her...if I can't trust her I don't need to be in the relationship. Thanks and good luck!

You have some nerve to go out and judge people here on DS.

Sent a hug to someone and all it read was : Whore

This is suppose to be a supportive community.
If you don't have anything constructive or good to say .. then don't say anything.

That was a very hurtful thing you did to a really nice person.

CR - did I miss something here? I didn't and wouldn't send such a message to anyone...I'm here for the support and fellowship - not to judge...

Sorry.. and my most sincere apology Flyboy.. the message from me was meant for Fixation.

fixation sent a rude and uncalled hug to a mate of mine in the Divorce and Break Up Community. One simple word can injure.. keep that in mind.

again Flyboy.. I am sorry.. the comment was meant to be to fixation and not you. In my anger I too was guilty of using my words in a wrong way...misdirection in this case.

I understand that you don't feel the need to check up on her. If you feel you can't trust her then I'd go to the next step and kick her to the curb. She will start getting honest real quick if she is kicked out of her home.

Canadian - I have no idea what you are talking about. I do know that the community you come from does nothing but sit and talk about masturbating and have contests about it and it disguets me that stuff is allowed on these boards.

But sorry, not sure who the person you are referring to.