I would be devestated yes. That being said, why would anyone want to have someone stay in the Marriage out of "obligation" that is so sad. What is point of denying a life on either side that is not genuiune. I deserve a love filled marriage and life, and for him the same. IF it's not with me then why waist anymore time?

In this scenario there is a major piece missing. How did your spouse get so far away from your relationship to be able to invest themselves emotionally so much in someone else that they want to leave? These things don't just happen.

You answered why I never stayed by asking those very questions. I deserve to be loved.

I dont quite know what you mean by "not acting on"..but I've asked myself similar questions.

Either way it hurts, but it's more humiliating when someone other than your spouse is involved. I felt my spouse made a fool & humiliated me and he enabled his lover(s?) to do the same and vise versa with her husband.

Cheaters do not feel obligated to stay because of a marriage certificate. They stay for more reason then that.

It's a weird and uncomfortable situation to be sure. One thing my spouse did when she was lying about the affair and putting off telling me was that she told the other man that we had worked on our marriage for a long time and weren't happy anymore. We hadn't "worked" on anything because she never told me she was unhappy. Was my life roses and candy? No, but I was happy with my marriage. The thing is though, she didn't tell the other man she was "unhappy" until she started fooling around with him.

Convenient how sex with someone else makes you realize you're unhappy all the sudden.

She has since admitted that she really is not that unhappy in the marriage, she's just selfish and a serial cheater.

NewWoman2008-It's not that hard for a spouse to get away from their married relationship. Many spend more time at work (8 hrs a day/5 days a week) than they do at home. Also, others might be a boost to their egos with flirting and all. Many wives still have to tend to their kids when their husbands are home, and I think some men (their ego) might even be a little resentful of that

The betrayal is worse, if she wanted to move on, I would rather be told upfront. I know it would still hurt, but I don't want to waste my lfe with someone who doesn't love me.

I would also liked to have him leave me before doing this to me and our family.

I don't want someone out of obligation. I want someone to want to be with me. If I can't have that, I am out. He didn't give those options or the truth, for that matter.

Good question...

If your spouse is out looking enough to actually meet someone that they have a connection with then there is something wrong in the first place that they haven't bothered to own up to or admit. Like all of us I am sure we would rather they give us the respect we are due as their spouses and tell us that something is not right before they even look. But as we all know that part of most of their personalities is missing. We just become the soft place to fall when what they think they want goes wrong or their excuse for why they are doing it in the first place. He/She doesn't listen to me, or understand me, or give me what I need, blah blah blah, it all becomes justified by what they think is wrong in the marriage instead of trying to work it out before it even becomes an issue.

I think sometimes it's the rejection from someone we love and thought or once did love us. Staying out of obligation is no way to live. We all need someone to love us and make us feel wanted.

I would rather have the truth. No matter how much it hurts it cannot be worse than being made to feel unimportant, neglected, insane, unwanted and all of the other emotions they pour on us when they are cheating.

I still don't know the answer to my situation, but I know that I have been made out to be insane because I question, questionable actions. The escalting arguements and the things that go through my mind are every bit as horrible and hurtful as anything he could tell me.

I just want the TRUTH..I want him to be man enough to say to my face I WANT OUT...BEFORE he goes out and starts something with someone else. I believe you should have enough self respect, and repsect for the person you are supposed to love, to FREE yourself from one relationship BEFORE beginning another...whether it is physical or emotional...doesn't matter.

In my case, my H still loved me "more than anything." I guess he did, he just has screwed and skewed perception of "love."
He was selfish, and if everything was transparent, he wouldn't have done it.
I guess if he laid it on the line like:
"Well, I love you and want to be with you, but everynow and then I may over indulge and have drunken ONS booty call with a health hazard whore. Oh yes, and I like to look at naked pics of average ugly people and write them from time to time as well. This actually is a compulsion of mine for 6 years now, and when things get real between us, I use this as an adult passy as comfort. It also validates me as person. I am really selfish prick who wants it both ways."
I would have ran for the hills, after I gave him a swift kick in the ass.

Hello wildspirit
I think being told this would be devastating but if this was the case, then it would have to be faced.
At the time of my H's affair in 1980 I gave him choices. I made clear that if he wanted me to leave I would, there and then. I would have made it easy for him to be with her if he so wished. That if he loved her then I didn't want him to be with me. I wanted his love not an empty shell.
He stayed because he loved me,and ended his affair, which like most affairs was based on the frisson of fantasy and the illicit and Not reality, this doesn't come into it.
No I would never have stayed because we had a marriage certificate. To me this is a document that is in place for legalities but this is only my view here.
Take care of you
A

My problem with all of this is still that the spouse is out there, emotionally out there and looking to connect with someone other than their W or H. This is the "wrong, wrong, wrong" part to me.
Yes, when you have been together a long time things can get stale, people get too busy with their kids, jobs or other activities and lose track of each other. You start to take the other person for granted and drift apart. It happens at one point or another in all relationships and this is where the true love, respect and friendship comes in. When you love and are commited to someone and things begin to drift apart then that is when you take action. A decision needs to be made. Do I want to work this out, get through to my spouse that I want to renew our connection to each other? Yes, then serious work together as a couple needs to begin. If the decision is that no, I don't want to work on it or try to have a better, closer and deeper connection to my partner is made then you split up. Once alone, you look at what you did or did not do personally to contribute to the demise of your relationship and once you have worked out these issues and closed the door completely on your old relationship THEN YOU BEGIN TO LOOK FOR A NEW ONE. Not before and not during.
Cheating doesn't just happen. New, deep and connected friendships with the opposite sex do not just spontaneously occur. Why don't people seem to get that?
My XH says to others that his friendship with his friend's wife "just happened" and that it turned into more because it "just happened". What a crock of shit. Time, energy and planning went into that friendship, especially to keep it under wraps. Time and energy NOT spent on reconnecting with his wife (me) who was completely frazzled with trying to do it all. My secrets and pain were shared with the OW and became and still are jokes between them. How someone else's pain could possibly be funny I have no idea. Perhaps I should make fun of what happened to her at the hands of her uncle and see how funny she thinks that is?
No, I would never want someone to stay with me out of obligation. Yes, I would want to know if the person I loved was not in love with me anymore but this needs to happen without any other person being involved. As soon as there is another person in the mix then you know beyond a doubt that your partner took the easy way out and never gave your relationship any kind of a shot. That is just insulting. I deserved better. We all do.
If your relationship is dying for any reason other than another person involved, and your partner wants to call it quits then yes, I would want to know. Anything other than that just conjures up way too many other questions for me.

I would request counseling first- to make sure he was sure- b/c i wouldnt take him back once the feelings for the OW wore off, which they often do.