that is a hard one cause once the trust is gone it is damn near impossible to get it back...my H is trying to earn my trust again and some of the things he is doing is allowing me access to his cell phone..he doesnt go online so dont have to worry about that...if he is going to be late even just a couple minutes he calls me and says hey hon going to be working late or something to that effect...whenever I have a question about anything even though he knows it could hurt he tells me the truth right away...even if its did you let the toilet seat up and the lid off the toothpaste...sounds petty but he broke my trust soooo many times its going to take lots of time and he knows this and said he will do anything to make it up to me

You might never trust them again like you did before their A. But, there are a number of things your spouse can do to help you feel more comforable.

1. Complete and 100% truth and honesty about the A. Answer your questions. All of them. No holding back, no gaslighting, no blameshifting.

2. They need to "own their shit". Does your spouse "get it"? Are they working to uncover the answers to "why did you do this" and "How could you?". The answers are not easy, and "I dont know" or " I cant remember" just dont cut it. Are they in therapy? To truely "own their shit" a cheater needs to really work at fully comprehending and understanding the level of hurt and pain they have brought upon their family. It is a terrible journey, and difficult. They will need your help during this.

3. Transparency. No secrets. You should request, and be given with NO resistance, all passwords, email accounts, cell phone bills, bank statements....anything you feel you need to feel better. You should know where they are, what they are doing, who they are with. You should be able to call, check up on them...whatever.

Many cheaters have trouble with this part. They feel like they are always being watched and have no privacy.

Tough shit I say. You want your marriage? suck it up. It wont go on forever like that. You just need to see consistant behaviour over time.

4. NO CONTACT with the AP. This just goes without saying right?

5. Consistancy. This is a long and awful ride. Your spouse needs to show you that no matter what, no matter how angry or loud or hurt you are, they are there. You need to be held while you cry, and comforted when you are feeling down. You need to see that your spouse "gets it" and does these things without you asking.

6. Honesty. Your spouse needs to tell you when they are having a bad day, not doing well, or if something is bothering you.


Some cheaters just cant do this. It might be totally against their nature to sit and not fight back when you are raging.


Just my thoughts. So far, these ideas have worked for me and Mr. V. Does he trust me 100%? Nope. Never will. I know that. I accept that. I also know that I will never give him a reason not to.

Dor AND Violette:

Nope, you can never UNdo what has been done, and neither can your spouse. That doesn't mean you can't go on and discover a different path that is even more fulfilling than the one you were on originally.

Think of Rick Allen, the drummer for Def Leppard. He's a drummer, and he lost his left arm in an accident. Can't un-do THAT. The arm is gone, and that is a reality that will not change. It's what he did AFTERWARDS that defined him as a human being. Now he is a better drummer than he ever was, and because of the scars, he has a far richer and deeper appreciation for what he DOES have.

Whether the scar is on the outside for the world to see, or on the inside where nobody but you can see how deep it goes, it's not the scar that defines you, but what you do afterwards that is the measure of who you really are. That goes both for the cheater and the cheated.

It takes a lot of time and work and patience - with yourself and your spouse. I can't possibly put the pain in better words than Violette did, so I won't try. The only way to find the new path is to create it, and the only way to get there is THROUGH the pain.

We are here for you every step of the way.

great posts. sometimes i think we need those scars (unfortunately) to be the person we are supposed to be.

remember the trust comes in little increments. its only reasonable that we not just hand our heart back right away to the offender. but at some point if our relationships are to survive, we have to hand little pieces back.

I think time is definately needed. Unfortunately my spouse felt that after one year I should have been back to my old self and trust him again. We are now divorcing. Please allow as much time as needed.

When you originally trust someone, you trust them on a foundation built between you two- and unspoken territory that says "I know you're honest with me", " I believe you" " I believe IN you" " I believe in us".

When something such as cheating occurs, the first thing we realize is that we no longer trust them. We KNOW THEY KNOW we know that they could be eating their cheerios and having coffee NOW but in ten minutes be text messaging their whore.

The foundation of the relationship's exist has now been destroyed and shattered in as long as a confession or getting caught takes, and it all comes crumbling down.

Now, it must be built back up. Its not going to come with the "I love you" "I believe you" "I believe in us" crap anymore. And its not going to be the same type of trust again, ever.

The trust in the beginning is normally a blind trust, a "well he would NEVER" type of trust. The trust now is "OH YES HE WOULD, and IS he? And where IS he? And is he LATE again? And only once our minds are settled do we give and trust that

"yeah he must have been at work, he's only five minutes late".

What can HE do?

Not trigger you.
NOT come home from work late. And if he does, CALL you.

Basically, report to you. The cheating spouse is on probation and if they want to STAY and get OFF of it, they need to report to you each and every step of the way.

NOT wait until you question something, because by then, you already have a preconceived notion that they are up to no good. Its a no win situation for everyone involved.

They cannot go on with life PRETENDING that just because they ARENT doing anything "wrong" anymore and being good lil girls and boys that we KNOW this.
Thats not what we know. We know they destroyed our lives, and WE also know that at any point we could snap and leave them

not only because of the cheating but the lack of trust ( rightfully so) ingrained in our souls thereafter.

Basically, it takes ALOT of backstabbing to cheat on someone and ALOT of energy. They should be GETTING our back for the rest of our lives if they so much as want to be blessed with our presence and using ENERGY to PROVE they CAN be trusted.

If we get anything less.... it usually ends up with the cheating partner being left. (and again, rightfully so).

BetrayedAngel
That was a FANTASTIC reply. I have been beating my brains out trying to get the point across to my partner about these things, and now I finally know what to say! Thanks