Sorry for the long winded story, but this started as a Journal entry and I decided to ask the question instead!

I turn 32 on Thursday. My first birthday in 7years, without him I've decided. I'll see him the day before, but I will be spending my birthday with just my family, where I'll feel, warm, safe and secure. Without having to worry about anything except me.

I was talking to my 2 best friends in the whole world on Saturday (married couple who have been through the ringer themselves-she was physically, mentally abused and cheated on- he lost both parents within a year of each other with cancer and has been miserable until he found K.) My H and all of us used to go out/stay in and have so much fun just talking about everything and nothing. The kind of friends who are kind enough to tell you you're an idiot but with total love and good intentions with that advice. They moved to the UK just over 3years ago and I have been to see them a few times since then with H.

So anyway, I was talking to them and K was in tears on the phone listening to me talk about how I feel and my confusion at life/love/hate all that stuff (she's been through it all!) and she couldn't listen anymore because she was crying so much (for me and the memory of what she went through as well I suppose) and she put her H on the phone. He had heard most of the conversation and so we talked for a little longer about everything and he asked me whether I thought I was worth loving? Was I worthy of being happy? Did I think I was pretty or some ugly (inside and out) thing who would never have another man look at her with lust and attraction and love again?

I told him that I felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart over and over and wasn't sure I was prepared if that were to happen again with H and that I was terrible at dating (hated it in fact) and was never really any good in the whole socialising thing and a load more!

He then made me feel incredible (and I know that some of it was just to help strengthen my ego but a lot of it he has told me before as has his wife) he told me I was an amazing, beaustiful, talented woman and that I should feel liberated at being given the gift of freedom again. That if I thought I would sit on the shelf for long I was an idiot as well as any man who could not see how wonderful I am. He told me that he never thought that anyone would ever deserve me and all of who I am, but that one day, someone would come along who would want me for me. No more no less. Just me. He said that my H was an idiot for thinking about himself over me and so selfish for always putting himself first, while I gave him everything I am. He left me with the strictest of instructions to go out with the girls and have a few snogs (pashes, kisses whatever you want to call them) and see what it feels like. If I like/dislike it then I would know where I stand.

Now as much as I think I was shocked by his advice, I'm begining to ponder the idea. Would this make me snap out of this indecision or would this make the decision more difficult to make? He's not advocating I become a slut and sleep with every guy I meet or sleep with anyone other than the H. I think I need to take his advice less literally and more figuratively. Maybe I should go out there and see what it feels like. Find my feet a different way.

Could I? I mean if I am asking the question it really means I want to know so why not?