The OTHER are not always to blame as much as the spouce. The O isn't the one who stood infront of freinds, family, god and country to promise to forsake all others. But I understand the need to want to hold them responsible and take some of the well deserved anger on them. ok.... sadly I have learned that not everyone holds other people's marriage vows as sacred as the married people (should). Plus, I can't speak from personal experience but they probably feel maybe that if the married person's ok with it then it's not their place. I'm by no means trying to defend them but if we can understand the full picture it will be to everyone's benifit. I know EVERYONE's life here would be simplier if everyone upheld vows.
Good luck to all!

I think the other person can be held responsible if they know about it, but in my case my H tells people he is single, so I guess they don't know he is married. But still no exscuse

The OW in my husband's case is a horrible person. Someone who is completely immoral, unethical, unkind-a true psycho. After speaking with her husband and others I pieced together her story. She has been married for over 30 years but started having affairs 2 years after she was first married and has continued throughout her marriage. The first affair took place before during and after her first two pregnancies (how could a mother carry on an affair at a time like that?). The OM for her was also married, a co-worker and he had a pregnant wife. That affair went on for over 6 years! Her husband found out about it a few years after her first affair guy dumped her and his wife for another OW !!!What a crew huh? She then promised her husband never to have another affair -he took her back-she got pregnant again but continued her prowing around with various guys. Then my husband moved into her office building and lo and behold she had another middle aged married man as her target!And now that my husband stopped all contact with her-she never even blinked-never contacted him-she has moved on to (you guessed it) another married man. she is a sociopath.Something must have happened to her in her childhood- this behavior is not about love or even sex-its about feeling powerful. That's why she likes the pursuit of married men. When they are single its not a conquest.And yes I do hold her accountable.She has ruined a number of marriages ,and families ....and continues without any remorse. She doesn't feel guilty at all. She calls me a nut for being so upset. And suggested that she and her husband could just stay together and have an arrangement....

Oh, I think the OTHER is every bit as responsible and should be held as such. If thery know they are fooling around witha married person than they have no morals, just like the cheater. IN ym case, my wife's lover was also married and startted the affair with my wife because his own wife was having emotional problems.

The other man / woman definately has the same amount of responsibility in situations like this. The only question is, who holds that person responsible? Ideally, they would become accountable on their own accord, but that happens, well, never...

They are just as responsible especially if they go into it with the full knowledge that this person is married. Then if they are married too well then we all know 2 wrongs dont make a right. You are just doubling the victims and the lies then. I guess thats what makes these affairs so appealing. These people are adults and as such we are responsible for our choices our actions and as a result the consequences of such behavior.

I think they are equally responsible. This is my analagy: If my husband drove my car to the mall and left the keys in it, and even if he left the windows down, or even if he put a sign in the window that said "Steal me," that still gives no one the right to steal MY car. He's in the wrong, but so is the thief that stole it.

I was extremely angry and hurt at my husband, but also just as angry at the OW. My anger towards my husband has diminshed because I'm with him every day and God has healed our marriage and he is better to me to me than he ever has and still apologizes after 18 months. But I'm still having trouble forgiving the OW, although that is my desire. I have a hard time believing a woman would do somehthing so awful to another woman she doesn't even know, in my case.

I just have to remember that the bible says you reap what you sew, and it also says "Vengeance is mine says the Lord." But I'm still having a hard time letting God handle it, even though I know He can do a much better job than I ever could. It is just a long road to travel, but I know that eventually the anger will diminish as well as the pain.

thanks for all your info on this, I guess in my case I am still so angry with the ow because I actually believed her. I believed her when she told me had she known she would have never talked to him to begin with, however once she did know, it didnt stop her. She wanted him so badly for herself that she didnt care of anyone else, and sure as hell not our children. Im very angry with myself for believing her, and I guess that is where my anger comes in at for the ow. I know I think way too highly of myself to do that. so thanks to all of you for the input. Dont really know how to get rid of this anger though, its eating at me.

In my case the OM knew she was married (I'd even me the d**n guy) and yet found his conscience and left her.....the next morning.

The OW in my case must have so little in her life to have accepted was my H offered her. It went on 8 weeks 2 of those she was on holiday. It was a quickie after work twice a week for 6weeks. texts and a few calls. No going out, meals or flowers then she started bunnyboiling and wanted him to move in with her, as if. He doesnt even know her surname, that says alot?

you can blame whoever you want if it makes you feel better but the real issue is what you should be focused on and that is your husband/wife - you married them right - not the other w/m - so it really is going to do you any good to waste time being angry with them???

The OW or OM is fully responsible for their actions. Unfortunately they don't have to pay or be held accountable for them. Like my H told me "it was a two way street". They both made the choice to cheat. BUT I was raised with the understanding that when it came to sex, the women has the ultimate right to choose. So for that I blame her 50.01% for the affair. She could have said no.
I have been able to get a drop of my anger and hurt over what he has done out and ask questions, try to make since of it. He almost and may still loose his family over what he has done, He has lost his kids respect. But his whore, what has she lost? She KNEW he was married. She meet my kids and I on several occasions. She was married. I was asked to keep her dirty secret and not tell her Husband. She has no one angry with her. She gets to go on with her life with all the wonderful memories she created with my H and she took a piece of him with her. He gave her his heart.

I agree with you, one of my husbands other women, emailed me and told me she loved my husband and knew her place.Knew he would never leave me. ( not because of her lack of trying) Told me there was nothing she could do about it because of her feelings, BUT her intention was never to break up the family.The spouse is more to blame, but yes blame the othe one too if they knew the other person was married.

Norreen, I love that term "bunnyboiling". I'll have to work that into my conversations someplace.

I believe the ow is partially responsible for the mess.She knew H was living with wife and child.I also believe, "What comes around, goes around" When it comes right down to it though, it is the H fault.He was the one that made the ultimate decision to cheat.If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.